Top Ten - 2003


10

Dear JP,

If there's Pepsi One, can Pepsi Two be far behind?

Signed,

Glolg

2003-04-24


It is one behind.

JP Garwood

2003-04-27


9

Dear JP,

What's the worst stink in the world?

Signed,

Hawtt Asphalt-Smegma

2003-01-03


The stink of injustice.

JP Garwood

2003-01-04


8

Dear JP,

Hey, what's all this I hear bout you and Kathie Lee Gifford?

Signed,

First Ann Landers, Now This -- From One Corpse To Another, Right?

2003-07-28


Kathie Lee and I are working on a production of an original play called "Your Wildest Dreams". It is a musical based on the music of the Moody Blues. Kathie will produce the show with me, as well as star as Tara a ninth century homeless girl catapulted into the year 2003 by a cosmic storm of some sort. I will play a small role of the sporting goods store owner turned wizard. I will duet "Night's In White Satin" with a can of tennis balls due to be played by Kurt Loder. I think this play will breathe a refreshing minty taste into the mouth of Broadway.

JP Garwood

2003-07-29


7

Dear JP,

Did you know that according to the "Research Guide to Bodily Fluids" (Paul Spinard, 1994), the average man produces about 3.5 mL of semen per ejaculation whose nutritional value is: less than 1 calorie 150 mg. protien 11 mg. carbohydrates 6 mg. fat. 3 mg. cholesterol 7% US RDA potassium 3% US RDA copper 3% US RDA zinc 300 million spermatoza

Signed,

Jizzy Mc Nutguzzler

2003-09-02


Wow, I didn't know that. And to think we were only using it to create babies.

JP Garwood

2003-09-09


6

Dear JP,

Is there a purpose to life?

Signed,

Flibber T. Gibbet

2003-11-28


Be a good person. Try not to die. Collect as many of the blue cards as you can before time expires. Be the closest without going over. Love each and every person. Spend each day as if were your last. Spend each twenty-five second period after lunch as if it was your third from last. Discover what truly makes you happy, and hope that it isn't too expensive or already married. Leave something of yourself behind for future generations, but nothing gross, and we already have enough coupons. Be the kindest soul you can be. Love nature. Take nature out to dinner every once in a while just to let her know that you care. Embrace life with vigor. Wrestle with it, and have pillow fights. Never forget that your time here on this earth is temporary, even more so if you are an astronaut. Relax and have fun. And finally, if you can't laugh at it, then hit it with a stick. Then try laughing at it, it should be easier.

JP Garwood

2003-11-28


5

Dear JP,

What sexual position is singularly JPGarwoodian?

Signed,

Roscoe

2003-02-14


It is called the "who locks the door". Several people of different sexes get together with keys in their hands. They all do it while looking suspiciously at each other. It is very hot.

JP Garwood

2003-02-14


4

Dear JP,

You know how some porn has chicks peeing on stuff? Where did that originate from?

Signed,

Bard

2003-11-27


Yes, some porn does contain this phenomenon. It all started on a porn set in New Jersey in the early 1990's. Kylie Tongue was going to shoot a scene with up and coming new male porn star Elephant Gun Mandleson. Elephant gun was lying on the couch, stripped down to his brown socks and gladiator helmet, and Kylie was preparing to make her entrance, which would have been a double front flip, naked, landing in a handstand on the back of the couch, and then another partial flip up to land on Elephant Gun. Right before her fantastic entrance, damned if Elephant Gun wasn't stung by a jellyfish. There was no way he could do the scene in so much pain, especially since it called for him to later rub Vicks Vapo-Rub all over himself. So, Kylie, who was always good in emergencies, did what she had to do. She peed on Elephant Gun's sting, as to remove the pain. It worked like a charm, and when it was discovered that the camera had been rolling the entire time, the film was released as a public service piece about the dangers of jellyfish. A large faction of mostly German men found the tape so informative, that they quickly demanded more of them. A new genre in the porn and public service indutstries was born. Today pee films make for about 10% of all porn profits, and 97% of all public safety film profits.

JP Garwood

2003-11-28


3

Dear JP,

I appreciate your response below regarding whether or not our latin friend Zorro is a super hero. However, you said that no other super hero spoke two languages. But, doesn't that Aquaman speak, I don't know "aqua" or "fish" or whatever those cartoon apostrophes are that get bigger the farther away they get from Aquaman?

Signed,

Permit No, 556

2003-01-26


Not really. You see fish speak English, just at a higher frequency. Aquaman is able to shoot English at a high frequency out of his forehead, but English is still the only language he knows. However, after some research into the subject of bilingual superheroes, it turns out that the Hulk's mom was Dutch. She taught Hulk a little bit of the Dutch language so that he could speak to his grandmother on the telephone. So, I guess technically Hulk was bilingual as well.

JP Garwood

2003-01-27


2

Dear JP,

What ever happened to Jenny McCarthy?

Signed,

Capt. Dick Jackman

2003-04-28


She has faded away into American icon status. Immortalized by Simon and Garfunkel ("where have you gone Jenny McCarthy, a nation used to like your lovely boobs"), and President George W. Bush ("Outside of George Hamilton, I believe Jenny McCarthy was the greatest Beatle"), Ms. McCarthy now lives simply on her mink ranch in California where she takes it all in stride. She says she has no regrets outside of "Baseketball". She appreciates all the fan mail and things, but believes an icon needs not return letters or even be particularly nice to people. Last year she was given an audience with the Pope who was so delighted with her fart and burp jokes that he fell out of his chair and disintigrated into a pile of sand. He was later revived with some vitamins and a bottle of Aquafina. When asked if she will someday return to the silver screen Ms McCarthy smiles, farts, and answers with a smile, "Who the fuck knows?". Who the fuck knows, indeed.

JP Garwood

2003-05-03


1

Dear JP,

Can you supply some pointers to those just beginning the journey to true JP Garwoodism?

Signed,

Diz Highpole

2003-04-22


Sure. Here are some things that I try to remember each day of my life. They are little things I have learned that make life a little easier. The third bowl of porridge is always the one you want. Fruit Punch soda is awful, no matter how many times you may be tempted to think it is probably good. It is always easier to make friends with someone named Jack than it is with someone named Conrad. If there are two jobs you never want to have they must be Elementary School Band director, and High School Gym teacher. Ice Hockey really does not have any rules. Most birds are nice, but the penguin is by far the coolest bird of all. Lee Majors can't be found in your attic, no matter how many times you look. Lee Majors is a state of mind rather than a physical presence. For every hot dog eaten in the U.S., one less is eaten elsewhere. The Beatles think they are so tough. As much as you try to like them, and listen again and again, in the end you will find The Who are overrated. Boy Scouts never sell cookies, and Girl Scouts don't care if you're gay. Finally, dressing like you are sixteen only makes you cool until you are twenty-four. After that it makes you look like an asshole.

JP Garwood

2003-04-26




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