10

Dear JP,

What hair color to they put on the drivers license of a bald man?

Signed,

Montell

2004-04-09

Clear.

JP Garwood

2004-04-11

9

Dear JP,

I've been thinking about a career change lately. I just don't have the humfff to get out of bed and help humanity anymore. So I've been considering an exciting job in the field of mad-science these days. Can you offer some advice to get me off on the right foot? And just for some fun, can you throw in some motivational crap to boot?

Signed,

One Fly Mutha

2004-09-27

First, go out and get yourself the whackiest haircut you can purchase. Not a lead singer from Counting Crows haircut, but one more like Einstein or Chewbacca. Next, fill as many test tubes as you can with dry ice so that they are all smoking at an incredible rate. Place these test tubes all around whichever room you wish to call your labratory. My advice would to be make this a poorly furnished room somewhere in the nether regions of your home, either in a basement, or scary attic. Next, hook up clear plastic tubing to whatever you can, and make it look like the tubing is actually doing something. We all know that it isn't, but we appreciate the effort. Get yourself a lab coat, and practice your cackle. Remember to use your cackle late at night while working in your lab, so that the neighbors can hear it clearly. Finally, come up with a research idea. This should be the least plausible idea you can come up with. Fill big leather-bound journals with your latest discoveries. Keep up with the cackle. This should give you a good start in mad-science. Now, get out there and make us proud. We have faith in you, and we know you can do it. We can't be there with you while you are doing this, but know that we are behind you 110%. Eye of the tiger, man, eye of the tiger. Find that place inside you where confidence lives, and ring its bell and ask it to come out and play. Come big or stay home. Knock them dead. Go for it!! Ask not what your country can do for you. Never let them see you sweat. Follow the yellow brick road. Be the ball. There is no try, do, or do not. Use the force. The true measure of a man is his ability to overcome adversity. Keep your eyes on the prize. Rah rah, sis boom bah. Go get 'em tiger.

JP Garwood

2004-10-02

8

Dear JP,

So what do you do about the questioners who basically paraphrase the same joke/gripe/comment/observation over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again?

Signed,

Paul Gnopuncez

2004-04-14

I was planning on sticking their heads in gravy. Perhaps using a little bubble gum to wash it off. Then, just to add insult to injury, I would send them to the Navy. However, the Navy sent me a telegram indicating that they have too many gravy/bubblegum heads already, and could I please send them someone who knows something about boats.

JP Garwood

2004-04-17

7

Dear JP,

Why is the ocean salty? I heard it's because of whale sperm!!!

Signed,

Megan

2004-08-26

You heard correctly. Twice a year all the whales of the sea, including the elusive narwhal, get together for an enormous circle jerk. Not having hands the must enlist the help of octopi. Usually these octopi are runaway males in their teens, without a place to turn to in the harsh world of the sea. When the ritual is completed the result is tons of salty whale sperm swimming in the ocean. They disperse, making the seas salty in all directions. This ritual was unknown to man until the 1990's when a male gray whale beached itself in California. He had in his possesion no fewer than five whale porno magazines. He was eventually shoved back into the sea by some strong Greenpeace guys, but the magazines were confiscated and taken to Sea World for examination. While we now know that the great whale circle jerk exists, we cannot say for sure why, so we make things up to cover our ignorance.

JP Garwood

2004-08-27

6

Dear JP,

Which of the current reality shows is most particularly JP Garwoodian?

Signed,

Roscoe

2004-03-09

I like the one where 12 strangers are chosen from throughout the world. None of them can speak any language other than their native tongue, and none of the languages are in common with any other of the strangers. One of them is blindfolded and they are all thrown into a pool filled with obstacles (mines, sharks, bags of excrement, etc.). The blindfolded person is "it" and the game begins. The "it" may ask any yes or no question about the location of the other contestants. When a person is found and tagged, he or she is out of the game and immediately deported back to their homeland. Last person found, should they be alive, wins a thousand bucks and a Buick. I believe the show is called "International Marco Polo Plus".

JP Garwood

2004-03-10

5

Dear JP,

You ever have a goblet of rock? Man, those things hurt going down!

Signed,

Ben Affleck

2004-12-04

Yes, I had one along with a Hotel California Burger at Glenn Frey's resturaunt in Florida. I chose the Smuggler's Blue Corn Chips over the Glenn Fries, as I heard the salsa was slammin'. It was no lie. Never before had salsa been so right on. I didn't have much problem with the goblet of rock, as I didn't try to do the whole thing at once. I'll admit, with all those sumptuous flavors, like Peaceful Easy Mango, and Life In the Fast Lane Punch (adults only), they are tempting to just down the whole bitch at once. However, I paced myself and enjoyed it immensely. I give Glenn Frey's Resturaunt three out of four JP stars. It would have been a perfect score of four if the bathroom didn't smell like bleach and grape pez.

JP Garwood

2004-12-06

4

Dear JP,

You know how some jobs just seem to be filled with sexy people, and some are filled with people who are just not sexy at all? Why is this? How do I know if I am in a sexy or non-sexy job?

Signed,

Hamad Al'Jareau

2004-03-11

Studies conducted by leading sexy specialists over the past years have concluded that certain jobs attract sexy people because of the nature of the job itself. The more exciting and glamorous the job, the more exciting and glamorous, and therefore sexy, the job holder. However, since there are so many different types of jobs, there is a lot of gray area inbetween the job that has the most sexy people (modeling) and the job that has the least sexy people (court stenographer). In order to tell if you have a job that has a high number of sexy people use a simple test. Look at the people who share your job. Are they close to looking like models? If your answer is yes, then you have one of those jobs that is filled with sexy people. If your answer is no, then you have one of those non-sexy people jobs. If your answer is "yes, but I think they could only model for jacket catalogs or local cable mattress commercials" then you have one of those jobs in which people are only moderately sexy, and a lot depends on lighting. I certainly hope that you find you are in a sexy type job. I would hate to think I am associating with the wrong crowd.

JP Garwood

2004-03-13

3

Dear JP,

Who was that guy who said that we're all going to be famous for 15 minutes? How fucking wrong can he be?

Signed,

Ben Affleck

2004-11-19

That was Andy Warhol, and he may have been on drugs. I believe he meant to say we are all going to be famous for 15 mints. I agree with him if that was the case. These 15 mints we have come up with are really amazing.

JP Garwood

2004-11-20

2

Dear JP,

What's the difference between you and an 8 ball?

Signed,

Milton Bradley

2004-01-19

If I go in first, you don't lose.

JP Garwood

2004-01-21

1

Dear JP,

Is there a particularly JP Garwoodian way to ask a girl out on a date?

Signed,

Diz Highpole

2004-05-30

You want to saunter up to her, so that the light catches your shirt just so. Then at the last possible second you want to get an overwhelming feeling of self-doubt that only a lifetime of failure can create. You should feel a definite sinking of your heart, and a little sweat is also possible. Make sure at this point you start talking to her in strained fashion, as if you have lost the power to use 85% of your vocabulary. You may also find that stuttering works. If she (the girl) looks at you like there is something wrong with you, then you are on the right track. All there is left to do now is await the gentle, or perhaps not so gentle, let down. Then return to wherever it is you started from and begin, or continue, drinking. It does not ease the pain, but it does make you forget about it for a while. Glad I could be of assistance. Now go get 'em, Tiger.

JP Garwood

2004-06-01