10

Dear JP,

Did you participate in any of the Black Friday shopping madness? What deals did you get?

Signed,

Roscoe

2011-11-28

Lord knows I love a good crowded shopping experience, especially on a day named after something that sounds a bit like a plague or a mob related massacre. I love crowds, and the jostling and hostility that occur within them, but I sat this one out this year. I wanted to get a good deal on a humidifier, but then realized that I have no need to own one of those. So, I stayed home, ate some pistachios, and read a book by a guy with only one "T" in his name. To be honest, there is nothing out there that I need right now, and I don't think about Christmas until a week before the 25th. I work better under pressure, but the kind of pressure that comes from knowing I must get everyone a gift, not the physical kind that occurs on Black Friday when nine fat women have you pinned against a shelf at Target while they all try to grab the last marked-down pressure cooker.

JP Garwood

2011-12-04

9

Dear JP,

9-9-9?

Signed,

One Fly Mutha

2011-10-24

That is the anti-Christ in mid somersault.

JP Garwood

2011-11-02

8

Dear JP,

What is you favorite position to counter-fuck?

Signed,

wonder woman

2011-02-08

I like to be sitting on a couch, legs straight out in front of me, and feet resting on the coffee table. I paint my face in dark greens and black, if it smudges so be it. I wear my helmet, and stick small branches and some leaves into the outer netting. If there is an inner netting, I don't put anything in there, except maybe a picture of my girl, as branches in the inner netting lead to bugs in the hair. I sit as still as possible, and try not to think about getting an itch anywhere. I will wait as long as I need to before I strike. I hope that it won't take long, as sometimes an enormous sense of silliness kicks in if I have to wait too long. Then I get the giggles, and the whole effect is ruined.

JP Garwood

2011-02-13

7

Dear JP,

Are puppies the solution to all the world's problems?

Signed,

One Fly Mutha

2011-02-09

I know you can't see it, but I drew up a huge chart, using my new markers, and glued some black eyed peas and elbow macaroni to it to make it look more official. It covers most of the world's problems. I left out some of the minor ones to save time, things like laundry stains and the sweaty build up one gets behind their knee when wearing a knee-pad. Then I drew a picture of a puppy, and put it next to all the problems, one by one. It seems that puppies can save the world from many of its problems. Puppies seem to do best with things like loneliness, depression, over-abundance of dog food, and lack of puppies. However, they did not do so well in solving hunger, terrorism, Somali pirates, racism, inflation, top 40 radio, or illegal music downloading. From what I can gather, a puppy lacks the skills needed to deal with social or economic problems. I think it has to do with their inability to speak in anything resembling human language. That is fine with me. We created the damn problems in the first place, so I think it is unfair to turn to a cute little member of the canine species to get us out of it.

JP Garwood

2011-02-13

6

Dear JP,

Would you like to meet my two friends, Lefty and Snake-Eye?

Signed,

A. f&b

2011-02-12

Yes. I know two girls who might be interested in meeting them. On the surface it seems like they would hit it off. Perhaps they would like to meet my friends Righty and Other Snake Eye.

JP Garwood

2011-02-13

5

Dear JP,

Why do we age?

Signed,

Roscoe

2011-05-31

Time just wears us down. We all have to get older, and eventually die off, or there will be no room for the next group. Think of the world like a Sunday brunch. You sign up for the brunch ahead of time knowing that you only have a limited amount of time. You cannot exceed your two hours, or whatever it is, because the room must be cleared to make way for the group that signed up to be there from 1:00 to 3:00. So, during your time you must have your appetizers, your salad, move on to an entree or two, and still have room for dessert, even though by that time you are feeling slow and gassy. Then you must go, as there is a new generation of eaters about to take your place. The next group of eaters will never know your name, or what you may have had in your omelette, green peppers or gummi worms, and you will never be a thought in their mind or a topic of their conversation, even though you occupied the same space for the same amount of time. That is just the way it goes. It is an ongoing cycle of birth, life, death, replacement. The best you can hope for is that someone notices that their chair is still warm.

JP Garwood

2011-06-05

4

Dear JP,

What is the longest question that has never been asked?

Signed,

One Fly Mutha

2011-01-19

It is said that one story left out of the Bible is the story of Josiahdech. Josiadech was a simple farmer. He was a devoted man of God, and God used to reward him by making his cows give 447 gallons of milk per week. As thankful as Josiadech was, he had nowhere to put all that milk. Even if he only had one cow it would have been a problem, but he had twelve. Plus, the Jews were not big on milk in the first place. One day while he was looking for buckets, boxes, jars, anything he could put milk into, he made the mistake of questioning God's judgment. It was a quick little quip about it being "enough milk already". God became angered by Josiadech's seemingly ungrateful attitude. He struck Josiadech with a stuttery tongue. God was sick of striking people down, and turning them into seasonings, so he decided he was going to have some fun with this one. He also turned all of Josiadech's cows into old, frail males, not suitable for beef, and of course not milk givers. Josiadech was distraught. He knew that he should have never complained about God's graces. He devoted himself all over again to the worship of God. He spent many hours a day at the temple. He read his Torah at night by candlelight. For many years Josiadech behaved in this way. One day he thought maybe it was time to ask God for his old life back. He took one of his old frail bulls to the top of a high hill, and sacrificed it to God. He then knelt down to pray. However, given his stuttering problem, it was not an easy task. It took almost four hours to get the whole prayer out. So, what was the longest question ever asked? It was "Could you please change my cows back?".

JP Garwood

2011-01-27

3

Dear JP,

So if "Rocky Mountain Oysters" are the menu name for cattle testicles, what is the menu name for Democrat balls?

Signed,

Sarah Palin, your next President

2011-03-14

Rocky Mountain Marshmallows.

JP Garwood

2011-03-19

2

Dear JP,

It's getting hot out, and boy are my nuts getting sweaty. What would be
a good method for absorbing all of my ball sweat?

Signed,

swampy

2011-05-26

I remember something my grandmother used to say. She was a sweet, shy, and quiet old Irish lady, and when she did choose to impart wisdom, it was worth listening to. I remember when my grandfather came in from the yard after stealing raspberries from the neighbor's bushes, and spoke to my grandmother about the same problem you have asked me about. I could tell my grandmother was going to say something important, because whenever she was about to, she looked toward the ground, closed her eyes for a moment, and took a breath so as to make sure she had the right words clearly in her head before speaking. Then she looked up at my grandfather and gave the answer that I will now pass on to you. She said, "Use a towel you fucking pig".

JP Garwood

2011-05-28

1

Dear JP,

Piano or Organ?

Signed,

Vladimeer Horriblowitz

2011-12-22

The piano. You never hear of anyone ever dying due to the lack of piano donors.

JP Garwood

2011-12-26