Dear JP,

With all this recent talk of buffaloes, I thought it might be a good time to ask this question. What, if any, is the difference between a buffalo and a bison?

Signed,

Dycedarg & Larg

2012-02-06

Dear JP,

Um, excuse me, but my question was not a waste of time. It took me years to work that sentence out properly. Buffalo, as we all know, is an animal, and a town in New York. It is also a verb, which means 'to bully'. So, put another way, I was asking if bison from New York who are bullied by other bison from New York really do themselves also bully other bison from New York. Do New York bison which New York bison bully also bully other New York bison? Get it? Ehh, forget it. You know what your problem is? A lack of vision, that's what.

Signed,

The Blue Nigerian

2012-02-05

Dear JP,

Do Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo really buffalo Buffalo buffalo?

Signed,

The Blue Nigerian

2012-02-04

You might have just taken the lead for biggest waste of time in 2012. I know it is early in the year, but this really was a monumental waste of time for you to come to this site just to post this. There are eleven months left in the year, but I think you stand a good chance of having the biggest waste of time. If I had to vote now, it would be you, hands down. Well, one hand down, the other holding aloft a great beacon of light so the world can see what a waste of time this was.

JP Garwood

2012-02-05

Dear JP,

Why do people get so darn riled up at these fancy modern soccer games?

Signed,

Old Guy on the Internet

2012-02-02

I bet it has very little to do with soccer. The violence comes from an already hostile situation. If you put those same people in a stadium for three hours, and there was no soccer game, I think there would still be violent behavior. Soccer is just the vehicle that gets them into one spot. To a lesser degree we have this problem with our sports as well here in the The U. States of A. A grown man can see another grown man wearing a shirt depicting a football team's logo, and get angry about it. "Hey, the fucking Browns suck man!", might be something the first man yells. As if the second man was associated in any way with the Cleveland Browns, or responsible in any way for how well they performed as a football team. If you get enough people in one place that get angry about things like other men's shirts, there is bound to be some violence sooner or later.

JP Garwood

2012-02-05

Dear JP,

Every time I turn on the TV or radio I hear about some group of men rioting in the streets in some Middle-eastern country. It seems they throw a lot of rocks. Why don't their governments just get rid of all the rocks laying about their cities? That would seem to limit the carnage, wouldn't it? I realize they also throw shoes, but why lanscape with rocks when you could use pebbles, sand, or wood chips.

Signed,

One Fly Mutha

2012-02-02

It seems like a good idea in theory. However, when rocks are removed from one place, they must be put into another. That is the essence of Millard Fillmore's Law of Rocks. Picking up a few rocks and redistributing them in other locations is easy. However, when you are talking about tons of rocks, the problem begins. Tons of rocks take up a large amount of space, and it is hard to find a good location for that. Plus, there is a danger in having all those rocks in one big pile. Fights break out over control of the rock pile, for he who controls the rock pile controls the mob. That is from Levi Strauss' ninth Law of Piles. Yes, with a lot of Middle-Eastern rioting there is going to be rock throwing, but until we find a place big enough to empty all the Middle-East's rocks into, this will just have to be the way it is.

JP Garwood

2012-02-05

Dear JP,

what the hell is that? A Groundhog?

Signed,

The Man of Steel

2012-02-01

Yes, that was the groundhog. He likes to stay up late the night before his big day to go over weather charts and satellite photos. He wants to ensure accuracy. The groundhog may just be a rodent, not much more glorious than a fat squirrel, but this one day a year he gets to shine. The science and the significance are not wasted on this chubby little grazer. He understands what is riding on his performance, and he wants to do a good job. I say let him be to do what he needs to do. There is a reason we trusted this job to a groundhog and not a raccoon.

JP Garwood

2012-02-05

Dear JP,

Isn’t the title “THE JP GARWOOD EXPERIENCE” a bit misleading if other people are there? Wouldn’t it really be “Our group experience”? It just doesn’t seem like you should get all the credit unless you were doing this alone.

Signed,

One Fly Mutha

2012-01-30

It a sense you are right. Everyone there will be having an expererience of some sort. Mine will be mine, and yours will be yours, and that guy with the tight shirt and Irish cap, he will be having his. However, nobody is going to come out to see "Our Group Experience". You could have one of those at the 7-11. The title of the night was not meant to mislead you into thinking you and I would be having the same experience. It was just a good title to get people out to see some music, and hear a few people talk loudly. If you were there you know what I mean. If you were not, then you had your own experience someplace else, which is fine. I doubt you had as much fun however.

JP Garwood

2012-02-05

Dear JP,

Why do women always seem to fall for the biggest assholes?

Signed,

Jake Hilarious

2012-01-29

I don't know, and if women know, they will not tell us. However, there seems to be the most normal of women, and then you meet their boyfriend and the first thing he does is call you "bro". Then he eyes you up as comptetition of some sort. When I am in these situations, I am at must most uncomfortable. I am not competing with anyone, but the fact that the asshole thinks I am sort of makes it so. I am sorry, but for this uncomfortable dinner or whatever it is, this asshole should just understand that I am funnier than he is. Maybe he is better looking, and has more money, and could rearrange my extremities with is bare hands in seconds, but I am funnier, and I will make his lady friend laugh. That is what I do. His attempts to somehow steer the attention back on himself by trying to be funny too fall flat. So instead of just finishing dinner and getting the hell out of there like I intend to do, he starts to get angry and pick fights. Yet, this seemingly normal woman will leave with him tonight. Even though he just put on a public display of assholism. Women love this sort of thing I guess. It must be the money. It surely isn't the constant talk about football.

JP Garwood

2012-02-05

Dear JP,

Do you ever name your poo? I just sent Brown Ben down to Davies Jones' locker.

Signed,

Barry O' Bama, "da saviour"

2012-01-29

I do not, although I once had a sock named Woodrow. When his unnamed match was lost, he just couldn't go on as a sock anymore, and I used him as a dog toy. Then I threw him out. There have been times when I have wondered where old Woodrow was, but then I remember, oh right, the landfill.

JP Garwood

2012-02-05

Dear JP,

In Billy Joel's "Piano Man" he mentions Paul, the 'real estate novelist'. Could you perhaps give a brief synopsis of one of Paul's real estate novels? Awesome.

Signed,

The Blue Nigerian

2012-01-28

In his most famous novel, "Duplex", Paul created the character of Norbert Darter, a retail store clerk looking for something more in his life. That something more turns out to be an offer of an amazing job tinting glass in Oregon. Norbert knows about his long departed grandfather's difficulties with glass, and he is unsure who this glass company owner is, or what his true intentions might be. However, Oregon sounds like the land of adventure, and he years to go. He must first however attempt to break his lease and get out of the duplex he rents. His landlord, a retired Ninja hunter named Pearl, is not going to let him go that easy. She has some glass that needs work to, but will she keep her end of the deal and allow him to break the lease? Duplex is part James Bond, part Little House on the Prarie, and part tedious real estate law. This is a must read for anyone who loves glass, or real estate, or doesn't own any other books,

JP Garwood

2012-02-05

Dear JP,

It has come to my attention that I attract crazy
people...specifically borderlines....WHY?! Why JP?! WHY?!

Signed,

Frustrated Therapist

2012-01-27

I find a lot of people think that they attract only loonies into their lives. I also find that for these people, and possibly you, it is not so much a question of them finding you, but rather of you seeking out them. If this is the case you are certainly not alone. Many people have fascinations with borderlines. It seems as if every criminal in the old West was trying to get to the borderline. Mexicans will do all kinds of outlandish things to get to the borderline. South of the Border has been a tourist attraction in South Carolina for decades. Countries, including our own, are always talking about how to better protect their borders. Border collies are really good dogs. Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid had to cross the border, and once they did they kept right on going. As long as there are imaginary lines dividing up the Earth, there will be those that are attracted to them.

JP Garwood

2012-02-02

Dear JP,

The US Wildlife service is warning that coyote mating season is upon us. Have you taken the recommended actions to protect your rabbits? With the internet, those coyotes don't have to solely rely on substandard ACME products anymore.

Signed,

Red Fox

2012-01-26

I have but one rabbit. She lives indoors, and is perfectly safe from coyotes. As an added precaution I have trained her to use lethal force in the event of a predatory attack. She trains every morning for an hour on the archery range and the catapult range.

JP Garwood

2012-02-02

Dear JP,

F that Arizona Jan Brewer! I could have her swimming in mexicans with the twitch of my pinkie. What can you do with a twitch of your pinkie?

Signed,

Barry O' Bama, "da saviour"

2012-01-26

It has taken me a while to build up the strength, but I can now push the toaster button down with just my pinky. I don't know if a "twitch" and a "push" are the same thing, but I don't often get to brag about the strength of my pinkie, so I am taking this opportunity.

JP Garwood

2012-02-02

Dear JP,

Have you heard about this new George Lucas film called "Red Tails"? It is supposed to be historical about black hip-hop fighter pilots in WW2. Is hip-hop an unsung hero of the great war?

Signed,

One Fly Mutha

2012-01-26

I don't think so. I believe it is about the Tuskegee Airmen. To my knowledge none of them had a single letter followed by a hyphen, and then a shortened version of their last name as their call sign. There were no C-Hoffs, or Q-Rapz, or M-Dogs. I have not seen the movie, and I really don't have plans to, but I imagine it is a bit hokey. Most George Lucas films are. If I do see it I plan on counting the number of times someone says, "I have a bad feeling about this".

JP Garwood

2012-02-02

Dear JP,

10pm is a bit late JP. Would you consider having your experience during matinee times?

Signed,

Sr. Percylee Hartbreaker

2012-01-26

I am having my experience at all times, so if you happen to see me you will see me having my experience. Unfortunately, the only time I am open to the public is 10 PM. I find that matinees are for children and old people. I guess it is because they need to eat early or they turn back into woodland creatures.

JP Garwood

2012-02-02

Dear JP,

Is the ‘THE JP GARWOOD EXPERIENCE” a show, an act, or a skit?

Signed,

One Fly Mutha

2012-01-25

It is a show and an act, but certainly not a skit. I wouldn't want everyone to come out to see a single skit. That wouldn't be worth trying to jump the alligator pit to get in.

JP Garwood

2012-02-02

Dear JP,

What is this JP Garwood Experience? You're not going to sit on stage with a laptop and type answers for three hours are you?

Signed,

The Blue Nigerian

2012-01-25

No, not even I would go to that, and I would be in it. I don't plan on being on the stage very often. That is best left to others. Not all others, as it is a rather small stage, and some people have no discernible talent. I will be there, but will not be the main form of entertainment, as charming as I can be. That will be left to all the original members of Mindface, except Pete Toth, who exists now only in stories, and in retail.

JP Garwood

2012-01-29

Dear JP,

What's wrong with the shirts that math teachers wear?

Signed,

wonder woman

2012-01-24

Nothing, if you are a math teacher. If you are not, and don't wish anyone to think you are, then those shirts should be avoided. These shirts are often solid in color, or have a striped pattern. They are button down, and are short sleeved. They are usually stained with underarm drenchings by about eight in the morning. Math teachers tend to sweat. I don't know why. Maybe they have a lower melting point than most people.

JP Garwood

2012-01-29

Dear JP,

Will they be serving cocktails at this JP Garwood Experience event or will I need to sneak in my own Hot Toddies?

Signed,

One Fly Mutha

2012-01-24

They have a bar. The bar has these people that work behind it who will get you any cocktail you desire, provided you are willing to pay for it. If you are not willing to pay, you may go without the cocktail. If you take the cocktail and are still not willing to pay, you will be escorted out by police. They have ways of making you believe that it is a good idea to pay for your cocktails.

JP Garwood

2012-01-29

Dear JP,

Would you rather have herpes or hepatitis-C?

Signed,

Alfred P. Boddington

2012-01-24

Nope, I am going to pass. I would rather not have either of them, and I know it is my right to turn them both down. If someone asks you if you want coffee or tea, it is perfectly acceptable to say that you don't want either one, and then thank them anyway. It is the same when someone offers you terrible diseases as well. So thanks, you scary man, but I am fine without either one.

JP Garwood

2012-01-29

Dear JP,

Are you a tightwad?

Signed,

One Fly Mutha

2012-01-23

I have never been accused of being cheap. I guess in that sense I am more of a loosewad. However, I don't have a lot of money to spend, so maybe I appear to be cheap. I hope not though. Cheap people come off as such pricks. Like the one guy at the diner that tries to get everyone to split the bill evenly even though you only had an ice tea. I hate that guy. I wish I knew his name.

JP Garwood

2012-01-29

Dear JP,

I have that state of the union address coming up... you don't mind if I make it more of a campaign speech do you? I mean, what's more important than me and my getting re-elected?

Signed,

Barry O' Bama, "da saviour"

2012-01-22

I watched the address, and it was kind of long, and it dragged in parts. I like how you told Congress to go fuck itself. They aren't going to, but you got it in there. My favorite part of the address was not the address itself, but the Republican response. They brought out a man who looked vaguely vampirish, and lit up his face brightly with the background darkened so it looked like he might have been in his castle. He talked for about ten to fifteen minutes mentioning that his party wants all the good things Obama does, they just want them without the secret police coming to everyone's house and watching over every move everyone makes. Obama wants to improve education? So do we Republicans, except Obama wants to tell you that you can't have your favorite food anymore. Obama wants to create jobs? So do we Republicans, except we want to do it without asking you to kill your dog, like Obama will tell you to do. It was good old Republican rhetoric. You should be completly afraid. You can only be protected from evil by Republicans. The dark times are coming. You are all going to be slaves, and be fed from troughs. You better vote Obama out, or America will become worse off than a bad day in hell.

JP Garwood

2012-01-29

Dear JP,

Jello or pudding?

Signed,

Comparison Girl

2012-01-22

Pudding for me thank you. I dislike jello. I dilike the fact that it is neither liquid nor solid. I dislike the way it feels in my mouth. I dislike the fact that it only comes in fruit flavors. I have no problem with fruit, but in all this time no other flavors have come around. I guess that isn't too bad as chocolate jello would be plain awful. I like pudding. Oh, it is creamy and wonderful. I like chocolate pudding, and butterscotch, and vanilla, and banana, and pistachio, and another kind if there is one. I don't have it very often, but a pudding is a good snack. You never see anyone freaking out in anger while eating a pudding. You never hear, "After this pudding I'm going to rip your face off". That says a lot about pudding, and just how much I enjoy having a face.

JP Garwood

2012-01-29

Dear JP,

Any remedies for cold tosies?

Signed,

One Fly Mutha

2012-01-22

I am not a doctor, nor am I an old housewife, nor am I a member of the Elks for that matter. I have never even pretended to be a member of the Elks. I don't know if lying about it to people would work because I may have a look that is entirely un-Elk. However, my friend Wrub knows someone that did have a mother in the Elks. At least he claims to, and that would be such a crappy lie if it were untrue. Wrub says this woman who was in the Elks knew of a certain remedy for cold toes. I don't know if this is just the secret language of the Elks, or if is encoded or anything like that, but this woman claims the best remedy is heat.

JP Garwood

2012-01-29

Dear JP,

Where do babies come from?

Signed,

Mark

2012-01-21

After the great battle with the storks in 1959, humans were able to liberate all the babies. The storks had laid claim to them since the beginning of time, but now us humans would have a say in when and where babies would be born. Babies now come from heaven, and are transported via tiny spiritual capusules, known as precious little angel holders, directly into the womb of women who recently had sex.

JP Garwood

2012-01-22

Dear JP,

What is your version of the joke about the Tomato family?

Signed,

wonder woman

2012-01-20

A mother tomato, father tomato, and their little son tomato were all on vacation in Washington D.C. The father had been there as a child, but mother and son were on their first visit. After a morning realizing that the monuments are really kind of lackluster, the family decides to have some lunch. They find a little place that isn't too crowded that boasts of excellent hot dogs. Being large fans of hot dogs the family was not disappointed. The father tomato ate three, the son only one, as they were very large hot dogs, and the mother ate one and a half, and let out a belch that would knock off the tupee of a commercial real estate lawyer. The family sat in their booth for a little while to digest. It takes garden grown fruits longer to digest than their greenhouse counterparts. Finally the father suggested that they go to the Air and Space museum. There was a temporary exhibition about fruits and vegetables and their role in aviation during World War One. The family was rising from their seats when the son realized that his shoe was untied. He felt way too full of hot dog to bend over to tie it, so he just left that way. Not long after they left the restaurant the junior tomato stumbled on his untied lace and twisted his ankle. Knowing that the museum was closing soon, and that they still had many blocks to walk, he didn't say anything to his parents about his pain. His father was such a World War One buff, and the boy knew that his father would be very disappointed if they did not make it to the museum. However twisted ankles have a way of tightening up, especially for things like tomatoes who have such small ankles to begin with. The boy kept falling behind. The father was getting impatient, thinking the boy was just being lazy. The father would yell back things like "hurry up", "let's go", and "get your red ass moving". The boys pain was getting worse, and his father's impatience grew equally. Finally the boy had to stop all together. The mother looked sympathetic, but the father had had it. They were only a minute or so away from the museum. The father pushed passed the mother, went up to the little tomato, and stomped on him saying "Ketchup".

JP Garwood

2012-01-22

Dear JP,

Tomatoes?

Signed,

Jersey Bob

2012-01-20

I like them. I like them raw. I like them in sauces. I like ketchup, in moderation. I do not like when ketchup drenches the food entirely. Some people like that, but some people are just awful. I do not like tomato juice however. I think it is gross. I don't know why. The tomato istelf is inoffensive. The juice that comes in cans is downright nasty. I feel the same way about V-8. It tastes like thin tomato paste with five pounds of salt in it. I also don't really enjoy tomato soup. It lacks something, often an appealling taste. If I had to vote either for the continued use of tomatoes, or their immediate extinction, I would vote to keep them. They really add something to a grilled cheese I can tell you that.

JP Garwood

2012-01-22

Dear JP,

How many roads must a man walk down, before you can call him a man?

Signed,

One Fly Mutha

2012-01-20

None. It is not an essential part of the equation. Really all a man must do to be called a man is live to be eighteen. That is in our country. If you are Jewish you need only live to be thirteen. You don't need to travel down any roads. In fact walking down some roads could end one's life before they reach the age of manhood.

JP Garwood

2012-01-22

Dear JP,

Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

Signed,

One Fly Mutha

2012-01-19

Yes it does, however you cannot ever expect the unexpected wholly. You may be warned to do so when you enter a bullshit place, like a Fun House. Those places are neither houses or fun. But, there is proabaly someone outside it hyping it up, and telling you to expect the unexpected. You could go in there expecting there to be twists and turns, and dead ends, and tunnels that spin, and many other little surprises. You may not know they are coming, but expecting there to be obstacles will have you prepared. You could never expect that upon exiting the Fun House a man dressed as Michael the Archangel would throw a balloon filled with chocolate sauce and Italian dressing at you. That is too much to expect.

JP Garwood

2012-01-22

Dear JP,

How do I remove spider eggs from under my skin?

Signed,

Sr. Percylee Hartbreaker

2012-01-19

Pull your lips inside your mouth. This is an easy undertaking, anyone can do it. Once your lips are in there the hard part begins. You must continue to suck your lips inward at a steady pace. Do not try to go too fast, as you may injure yourself or start laughing. Do not go to slow as it will give you time to think about spider eggs under your skin. Keep the pace steady. Eventually you will turn your entire body inside out. Then just scrape the eggs away with a butter knife or plastic spoon that you don't plan on using for pudding. When all the eggs have been removed start pushing your lips out at an even pace.

JP Garwood

2012-01-22

Dear JP,

Is Michelle "Aunt Ester" Obama an angry black woman, or do they draw her eyebrows that way?

Signed,

Sarah Palin, your next President

2012-01-19

I bet neither. She is probably angry sometimes, as people tend to be. She is probably happy sometimes too. She probably gets sad. She probably gets confused when she wakes from a dream early in the morning. We all do. I don't know if there is a "they" who are assigned the task of the First Lady's eyebrow upkeep. I hope not, as that would have to be one of the more degrading jobs I could imagine. I bet she does her own eyebrows, if indeed they are "done" at all. Perhaps she is like most people, and just doens't think about her eyebrows all that often.

JP Garwood

2012-01-22

Dear JP,

If aliens were to invade insisting human slaves, what country/region would you sacrifice?

Signed,

One Fly Mutha

2012-01-18

Is this speaking hypothetically, or am I really the one that makes those decisions? Man, it seems like our elected officials have less and less responsibilty all the time. I guess right off the bat I would offer up the tea party. If they are going to bitch about not having enough freedom, they might as well see what it is like to really be without it. When rich white people in the United States bitch about their freedom being taken away, they deserve to be enslaved by an alien race. I would then like to sacrifice anyone that has ever appeared on a reality television show. A great percentage of them seem overwhelmingly stupid, so being enslaved probably won't be so bad for them. If the aliens insisted upon more, I guess they could have the German parliament. I can't think of anyone I know that would miss any memebers of the German parliament.

JP Garwood

2012-01-22

Dear JP,

Flying: stone cold sober or stinking mad drunk?

Signed,

Comparison Girl

2012-01-18

I would prefer stone cold sober. I have never flown anything. I have never operated an airplane, a helicopter, a blimp, or a hang glider. I don't really have any desire to do so. I have flown some objects from the ground, like a kite or a water powered rocket. I am pretty sure that I could handle those tasks after a few shots of Johnny Walker Purple. However actually flying seems like it would be quite a great deal more difficult. You can't really say "Aw fuck it" if you are about to hit a tree. If I was in that case, and I would have to strongly question the judgement of whomever it was that put me in that situation, I would like to be sober. I would also like anyone who is piloting something I am passengering in to be stone cold sober. I think I can go my entire life and never yearn for the feeling of plummeting from the sky at 700 miles per hour from a mile up.

JP Garwood

2012-01-22

Dear JP,

Those first two guys who thought Superman was a bird or a plane- why were they so excited?

Signed,

Philosoraptor

2012-01-18

In those days of American splendor, when the criminals were not so horrible, and the men all smoked cigarettes and wore hats, it was not uncommon for everyday items to battle crime. Most of the criminals were gangster types who spoke with funny New York accents and said things like "You Mugs". They were not particularly threatening. Most often they were attempting to break into safes, or robbing bags of money marked with dollar signs. They almost never took hostages, and nobody was ever shot execution style. So people who witnessed crimes would be happy to see anything come along, be it a bird, a plane, a velvet rope, a discounted can of waxed beans, Aquaman, or a set of stencils. If Superman came along they knew they were in for a really good show. He could kick anyone's ass, and according to the ladies was rather hunky. However, Superman tended to be overkill most of the time as most crimes could be stopped by just about anything with the desire to stop them.

JP Garwood

2012-01-22

Dear JP,

Have you ever cried over spilled milk?

Signed,

Sarah Palin, your next President

2012-01-17

I came very close once. I spilled the milk on sugar cube collection. I was trying to separate the brown cubes from the white, when the milk I had poured myself spilled right onto the collection. I lost many cubes that day to melting. I don't even know why I had that glass of milk. I hate drinking milk. The thought of having to drink a big glass of milk makes me gag. I guess it was my own fault for having gone against my own sense of taste. I was able to hold back my tears on that day, and that is the closest I have ever come to crying over spilled milk. Yogurt, however, is another story entirely.

JP Garwood

2012-01-22

Dear JP,

I outsourced this question in order to save costs. It was made in china using substandard materials and cheap labor. Why is it that the american question workers are so greedy?

Signed,

One Fly Mutha

2012-01-17

I believe it has something to do with wanting to pay for their homes and food. Americans can not work for twelve cents an hour when food is outrageously expensive, and you can't rent an apartment outside a war zone for less than $1000 per month. Yes, you could pay less than that to live above a darling little boutique in Camden, NJ. However, running out to the store for some canned peaches there means taking your life into your own hands. I guess that is true of any place, but Camden just seems to want you dead. Americans workers are not greedy, that is a label put on them by those that have to pay them, but rather they just want to be able to have their families eat, and not live under an overpass.

JP Garwood

2012-01-22

Dear JP,

Will this site go dark in protest of the whole SOPA thing?

Signed,

Mark

2012-01-17

It didn't. To be honest I wouldn't know how to do that anyway. I did ask a few people to go to the site on that day, but to keep their eyes closed while they did it. I like to show solidarity.

JP Garwood

2012-01-22

Dear JP,

Does garwood have any commercial value? Maybe for making furniture or toothpicks, or firewood?

Signed,

One Fly Mutha

2012-01-16

I assume you mean the town of Garwood. It is in New Jersey, and possibly in other places, although not at the same time. I don't believe they are famous for any one commercial enterprise in Garwood. I know that they have a large supermarket, and although I have never been there, I heard they have quite an array of cereals. They have a train station in Garwood, but the train rarely stops there. If the train does stop, nobody ever gets off or on at that station. I shall pen a letter to the Garwood board of commerce, if such a thing exists, and find out what it is Garwood is known for, or wants people to think it is known for. If there is no board of commerce, I will pen a letter to the fire department, and ask them if Garwood is any more flammable than any other town.

JP Garwood

2012-01-22

Dear JP,

Women with a gap between their front teeth or straight tight chipmonk choppers?

Signed,

Comparison Girl

2012-01-16

I don't think I want the gap-toothed woman. It really depends on what I am going to do with her, and if there are going to be pictures taken.

JP Garwood

2012-01-22

Dear JP,

When people are kids they usually had someone who would help them out when they stumbled or fell, like a parent or older sibling. Now, as an adult, who is around to catch you when you fall?

Signed,

One Fly Mutha

2012-01-14

I rarely fall. I don't know if that can be attibuted to exceptional balance, or to sheer luck, or due to over cautiousness. However, if I did fall, I would like to believe that whomever is around at the time will help me up, or at least try to do something to make my fall less traumatic. If I was in the supermarket, eyeing up the English muffins, and an old lady started to lose her balance next to me, I believe I would try to prevent her fall. She may not have the strength to ever return the favor, so I would just have to hope that when I fell she wasn't there. Perhaps she is visiting a niece, and a large man with quick reflexes was doing her shopping for her.

JP Garwood

2012-01-22