Dear JP,

Do you ever feel like you're watching television instead of living real life? Before I was shot, I always thought that I was more half-there than all-there - I always suspected that I was watching TV instead of living life. Right when I was being shot and ever since, I knew that I was watching television. Ever feel like that?

Signed,

Andy Warhol

2010-03-09

Dear JP,

Does the degradation of our society stem from an earlier degradation of the soul? or it is the other way around?

Signed,

One Fly Mutha

2010-03-09

Dear JP,

I took off my socks and was clipping my nails and a small nail chunk spun towards my laptop and got stuck within its board, causing loss of a button, which now will not work as long as this nail is stuck in it. This symbol sits right amidst symbols W and R and D and I cannot bring it into play and it's frustrating as shit to try and work around it. Any aid or support you could, uh, dish out? Outstanding, thanx!

Signed,

Hugo Wallaballa

2010-03-09

Dear JP,

I've just been told that we need to have an egg hunt on the east lawn. What kind of tradition is that? Brotha's don't hunt!

Signed,

Barry O' Bama, "da saviour"

2010-03-08

Dear JP,

Who can beat the Triangle Man?

Signed,

wonder woman

2010-03-07

Dear JP,

Do I really need to do anything? The election isn't for a few years and I would really appreciate being able to continue doing nothing. Afterall, I didn't campaign on the premise of "Delivering"... just hope... I and think I'm doing swimmingly!

Signed,

Barry O' Bama, "da saviour"

2010-03-05

Dear JP,

Are you a believer in the flu shot, H1N1 shot, daily multivitamins, or the theory of Atlantis?

Signed,

Drunk, and have a meeting at 8am tomorrow in the city

2010-03-04

Dear JP,

CAN IT CORE A APPLE?

Signed,

CAPSMAN, I AM CAPSMAN!

2010-03-04

Dear JP,

Hello Mr. Garwood,
I have been given this contact by an unnamed source. Not that I can't name the source, it's just that for some reason, at birth, my source's parents never named him. But that is neither here nor there, but rather somewhere in the middle, like Bucky Dent. My question: for the past two nights, at exactly 1:35am, there has been a knock on my apartment door. The first night it was one knock, and then a pause, then one knock, pause, and finally, one last knock. Of course, at 1:35am, I was half asleep and by the time I had become fully awake, the event transpired and I had run to the door, there was no one there. Last night, the same time, 1:35am, there was a pattern of two's. Two knocks, pause, two more knocks, another pause, and then, of course two final knocks. JP, I fear tonight there will be three consecutive patterns of three knocks and now, now that I have not answered the door these past two nights, I fear the dreadful consequences if I do open that door tonight. JP, who is knocking? Do I answer? Nail the door shut? Your council is requested, no, needed!

Signed,

Argyle Imperative

2010-03-04

Dear JP,

Up or Down? cause 'chelle likes it down and dirty.

Signed,

Barry O' Bama, "da saviour"

2010-03-04

Dear JP,

I pulled my hammy. Ice or heat?

Signed,

Ryan Longwell

2010-03-02

Start with ice. If you start with heat the ice melts, and water will do nothing for your hamstring. You should try to stay off your leg for at least a few days, and then get back into your routine slowly. First just try getting out of bed and walking across the room. Once you achieve this goal, lay down on the floor for the remainder of the day. They next day try to conquer the steps. If there is no pain, you may proceed to the couch. Watch daytime television until you want to cry. Depending on your intestinal fortitude this could take anywhere from three minutes to one hour. Then try going to the kitchen for some more ice. Keep your hammy wrapped, with an ice bag, for as long as you can. One guy in Michigan did it for 18 years. At night, add a little heat. Maybe a hot water bottle, or a maybe a hot water deer skin if you are a pioneer. In about six weeks time, with a little rehab, you will be as good as you were before, and depending on who you are, that could be very good or very crappy.

JP Garwood

2010-03-08

Dear JP,

So I was driving by the US Post Office in Whitehouse Station yesterday and saw a couple of guys with a card table and a giant sign that had a photo of Barak Obama's face and the word "NUT". Can you offer an explanation?

Signed,

One Fly Mutha

2010-03-02

Yes. If you had driven past the post office in West Caldwell, you would have seen a couple of guys with a picture of Barak Obama and a giant sign that read "CRUNCHY". If you had been driving through the town of Summit, you would have seen a few guys and a picture of Barak Obama in front of a giant sign that read "CLUSTERS". It is all part of a new advertising campaign for "Crunchy Nut Clusters". Much like the billboard in New York that used a picture of Obama to sell jackets, these guys are trying to cash in on the fact that the President enjoys crunchy, nutty, sweetened slightly with honey, clusters. I enjoy them too, but the company decided that the president was a better pitch man.

JP Garwood

2010-03-08

Dear JP,

Would you agree that dying is the most embarrassing thing that can ever happen to you, because someone's got to take care of all your details?

Signed,

Andy Warhol

2010-03-01

I don't know. I have never died. Maybe it is embarrassing. Maybe your spirit really does leave your body like some people say. Maybe you hover over your former home, and have to watch your family go through your personal stuff. Maybe your spirit floats there, invisible, and thinks, "Oh no, don't go through the bottom drawer! That's where I keep the elbow fetish porn magazines, and the pictures of Anne Murray." Then, when those pictures are discovered by your sister or someone, you have to watch them change their opinion of you.... Or, perhaps you are just dead, and couldn't possibly know or care what is happening to the living anymore. If that is the case, then no matter what bizarre collections you may have to be discovered could lead to embarrassment. Your mom could find all your downloaded photos of R2-D2 in revealing bikinis, and it wouldn't matter to you at all, because you would never know.

JP Garwood

2010-03-08

Dear JP,

Everytime I see an olympic medal, I get hungry, they look like giant potato chips. Actually, that may not be a bad idea, would you buy an offical olympic novelty giant potato chip gold medal? Maybe we can be business partners, there's enough time before the summer games, you know.

Signed,

One Fly Mutha

2010-03-01

Not a bad idea, although I do not think they resemble potato chips at all, if we tell people they do, they will believe us. It really is that easy. Let's take it a step further, and make the gold medal chip a really good chip, like a kettle cooked chip. Those are good and crunchy, and they are delicious. They are worthy of a gold medal. We can make a silver medal novelty chip as well. Something not so grand as the kettle cooked chip. Maybe a wavy chip. Those are still good, just not as good as a kettle cooked chip. Since the bronze medal is lame, and nobody really cares if they win it or not, we make that one the worst chip we can think of. Perhaps one of those baked potato chips that are supposed to be healthier for you. Sure, they are still potato chips, but they aren't good. They don't have any taste, and you get no real enjoyment from them. I'll tell you what, I will enter into this venture with you if you are willing to do a huge portion of the work, and still give me at least fifty percent of the profits.

JP Garwood

2010-03-08

Dear JP,

Shouldn't a celebrity never pay any attention to what is written about him, but instead just measure it in inches?

Signed,

Andy Warhol

2010-02-27

This I tend to agree with. To our culture of celebrity worship any press a celebrity gets only serves to keep them interesting and famous. Mel Gibson went on a drunken rage against Jews. It was in all the papers. He is still famous. People still admire him. Has he changed his ways? I doubt it. Does it matter? Nope. His drunken tirade only served to keep him in the headlines, and we didn't care what it was he said. Tiger Woods is more famous now than he ever was. You can't go fifteen seconds without hearing something about him. There are wars going on, and two major earthquakes in the past two months, yet we hear about Tiger Woods and his "discretions". In fact we don't even hear about that much anymore. Now we just hear that he is staying away from golf for a while, and people don't like that. He has already been "forgiven" by the public, because nobody cares what he did anyway. It is all part of our celebrity obsession, and our teensy-weensy attention spans. We just want to see famous people, we don't care what they say or do, we just want to see them. We like when they rise, we like when they fall. It is all part of a big entertaining story to us. So, should a celebrity care what is written about him? No. Measuring it in inches is a good idea, as that shows just how much the media is suggesting the public care about the celebrity in question. Measuring it in inches does little good for European celebrities however. They should measure their press in centimeters.

JP Garwood

2010-02-28

Dear JP,

Who was the first guy to ever wear his pants falling off his ass? Because that man was a genius. Bet they all laughed at him at first, huh? Well who's laughing now?

Signed,

Jake Hilarious

2010-02-26

I still laugh sometimes. I occasionally think it is funny to see someone walk by with their ass hanging out. It makes their torso look so big..... The first person to ever wear their pants like this was Burt Hizzag. He was known as "No Ass" and "The Torso" on the streets. Where were those streets you ask? Outside. They found it cut down on traffic fatalities to have the streets stay outdoors. When Burt was outside on those streets he was known by his "street names". Burt's lack of rump caused his pants to hang down low. His boxer shorts were often in full view of the people. This counts the children and the baker's wife. Many people were horrified when he came down the street. Mother's would cover their children's eyes. Men would yell things like "Pull those pants up!". He would often comply, but five minutes later those pants would be drooping again. Out of sympathy for Burt, other young men started wearing their pants down low. They didn't want him to suffer the humiliation anymore. Someone from some magazine happened to notice the trend, took pictures, and everyone thought that they needed to do what the magazine told them to do, so they started wearing their pants low too. Fashion history was made, or created, and I still get something to chuckle at occasionally.

JP Garwood

2010-02-28

Dear JP,

Did you ever see Patriot Games? Fuck yes!

Signed,

Kegger

2010-02-25

I saw it. It is the movie where Harrison Ford battles the IRA. Not the one where Harrison Ford battles the IRA as represented by Brad Pitt, but the one where the horrible Irish are played by people who are not Brad Pitt. There were some explosions, some shooting of people, some good punches to the face, probably a kick or two, those are popular in fights, especially when the Irish are involved. I believe Harrison Ford, as Jack Ryan American Superhero Good Guy, wins in the end, and America is no longer threatened by Ireland.

JP Garwood

2010-02-26

Dear JP,

Josh Smith or Bumper-stickers?

Signed,

wonder woman

2010-02-24

I have looked over the work of Josh Smith, and I prefer him over bumper stickers. However, I don't think it is a great compliment to one's work to say "that guy is better than bumper stickers".

JP Garwood

2010-02-26

Dear JP,

Nose, lip, navel, nipple, penis, eyebrow, tongue rings; what do each say about a person?

Signed,

One Fly Mutha

2010-02-24

When a person wears a nose ring in says that they hate matadors, and that red capes are completely irresistible. Lip rings say that fashion and personal fashion statements take a higher place than anything, especially harmonica playing. Navel rings say that the person who wears them feels like they can stay thin forever. Nobody ever wants to see a navel ring in a fat person. In many cases you couldn't even if you wanted to. Sometimes the ring just gets engulfed. Nipple rings say that the wearer in a master of pain management, especially if they wear a sweater with no shirt. Penis rings say that the wearer is probably a little bit crazy, and should probably be avoided when alcohol is being consumed.

JP Garwood

2010-02-26

Dear JP,

If there was some kind of freak internet thing happened and your opening statement got wiped out and your evil webmaster said you had to write another one immediately RIGHT NOW what would it be?

Signed,

Jake Hilarious

2010-02-24

My webmaster is not evil. He is a nice guy. He almost never says I HAVE to do anything. He lets me have creative control, and that is something I appreciate. He also is quite a commanding presence when shirtless in the moonlight.... If I had to write a new opening statement right this very second, it would probably be about how much I hate the goddamn snow. I think a lot of people appreciate it when someone complains about something that they can neither change or control.

JP Garwood

2010-02-26

Dear JP,

http://jpgarwood.org/askjp/askjp02.jpg?

Signed,

Anonymous

2010-02-23

That is a picture of me when I used to have a beard and someone else's hand in my face. That picture is probably about eight or nine years old now. I no longer have the beard, and the person has long since removed the hand from my face. The blurriness of the picture is for effect, I am not actually blurry. I am quite in focus, as I hear the ladies say.

JP Garwood

2010-02-26

Dear JP,

With or without a chocolate dip?

Signed,

Helen Memel

2010-02-22

Lets see, this really depends on what we are talking about. I will take the bananas and strawberries with the chocolate dip. I will take the paper towels and the tile cleaner without. You can dip the ice cream, that would probably be good, but the celery should go without. I am not totally opposed to chocolate dipped celery, but I think I would really have to be in the mood when I try it for the first time, and I am not in that kind of mood right now. I am in a plain celery mood. Maybe I am in a little salt on the celery mood. I shall have to contemplate this when I have the time. You may chocolate dip the pretzels, but not the plastic spoons. You may dip the peanuts, but not the orange juice. You may also chocolate dip the rubber bands, as I think that would probably look cool, but leave the shampoo alone.

JP Garwood

2010-02-26

Dear JP,

Is religion really the despair of magic?

Signed,

Mr. Ruffles

2010-02-21

I don't think so. Magic, real magic, like Harry Potter type magic, doesn't exist. There is no one who can turn themselves into a koala, or make chocolate cake out of moss. However, religion does exist. It doesn't matter what my opinion on religion is, it doesn't change the fact that it does exist. Religion seems like a bunch of people getting together to wish that there was magic. Not the crap ass magic that kids get for birthday parties, that shit is one of the worst forms of entertainment, but a wish for real magic, like the kind that God seemed to do all the time back in the day. People get together in their churches and talk about all the magic God used to do. Religion is a desire for magic, and magic doesn't exist.

JP Garwood

2010-02-26

Dear JP,

I AM COME TO DESTROY THE WORK OF THE WOMAN, THAT IS, CONCUPISCENCE, WHOSE WORKS ARE GENERATION AND DEATH?

Signed,

CAPSMAN, I AM CAPSMAN!

2010-02-20

Are you asking me if that is why you have come? I don't know. You seem to be pretty sure of yourself though, so it probably is the reason. Not many people announce things like that if they don't intend them.

JP Garwood

2010-02-26

Dear JP,

Did you know that Steely Dan named their band after a goddamn DILDO from Naked Lunch? What? And here I been telling people it had something to do with steel drums! AWWHH, I'VE BEEN MAKING AN IDIOT OUTTA MYSELF!

Signed,

Jake Hilarious

2010-02-20

I did know that. I read Naked Lunch. I also read the sequel, "Brunch in Briefs", but it wasn't anywhere near as good. I don't think I have ever told anyone about Steely Dan naming themselves after the dildo in Naked Lunch. I rarely talk about Steely Dan. I don't like their music. I am not sure what I don't like about it, but I know that I do not enjoy it. It isn't as easy to pinpoint the reason I don't like them as it is with Kiss, or Bon Jovi, but I know that when Steely Dan comes on the radio, I switch stations.

JP Garwood

2010-02-26

Dear JP,

Do you think Superman and Robin would make a better team then Batman and Robin?

Signed,

wonder woman

2010-02-19

No. I think Superman is the one superhero who would have absolutely no need for a sidekick. The guy could do anything. He had super strength, speed, hearing, could shoot heat beams from his eyes, could freeze a lake with his breath, was bulletproof, could fly, was very smart, and was able to disguise himself merely by putting on a pair of glasses. A sidekick would be useless in his situation. Batman however had no superpowers. He was just a rich guy who was really tough, and had a lot of gadgets. He would need a sidekick to do some of the grunt work. Robin complemented Batman in the fact that there was some shit that had to get done and one man without superpowers couldn't do it alone. Sometimes there was a main bad guy to fight, plus a dozen henchmen. Superman could have handled it all in five seconds, but Batman would need someone to hold off the henchmen while he punched and kicked the main bad guy. I don't think Superman would have ever needed any help, but maybe he might have wanted someone to talk to. Perhaps someone that could understand his unique situation. Robin was good at fighting and gymnastics, but I am not sure how sympathetic he was. Superman could have used a friend, not a sidekick.

JP Garwood

2010-02-23

Dear JP,

How come you got letters where you're eyes should be? Shit your dumb.

Signed,

Shit Your Dumb

2010-02-19

I don't. I have eyes where my eyes should be. I have the two eye set. It came standard with my face. What you are seeing are letters OVER my eyes. That was because at one point I needed to remain anonymous. I don't remember why, but I think it had something to do with the government of Denmark. Whatever the problem was, it no longer exists, and you can see lots of pictures of me without the eye bar now. I am looking at one as we speak, and God am I cute.

JP Garwood

2010-02-23

Dear JP,

Are all male ice skaters fags, or do they just look that way? Ain't none of them looks like they got any hair on their balls, you know?

Signed,

Fuckin' Fags.

2010-02-19

I am sure that they are not all gay. I never surveyed them or anything, I just can't imagine that any group of people you can name can all be gay, except maybe the homosexuals. I bet some of them get a lot of chicks. I know a guy who became a cheerleader in college so that he could meet girls, and it worked to perfection. Yes, he took a bit of verbal abuse for being a cheerleader, but it didn't bother him, as he was getting a lot more action than those that mocked him. I bet some figure skaters are like that. Sure, what they do seems immensely girly, but some of them might not care because they are famous, surrounded by all women, and in great shape. I do not know if they have hair on their balls or not, and I don't think I could get myself to care no matter what I did. Once again however, I am willing to bet that some of them do. I am also willing to bet that some non-skating homosexuals have hair on their balls as well. I do not want to be the one that has to prove that, but I am willing to take a bet if someone else wants to gather the evidence.

JP Garwood

2010-02-23

Dear JP,

How can I be high tech and still be JP Garwoodian?

Signed,

Diz Highpole

2010-02-19

I am not high tech. Not by a long shot. I am what many would consider mid to low tech. I have a cell phone. It doesn't have internet access, it doesn't play any games, and I can't get weather reports on it. I use it as a phone, and occasionally as a camera that takes horrible pictures. The pictures are of such poor quality that even I can't tell what they are, and I am still standing in front of the subject that I photographed. Yet I continue to use the camera with the hopes of one day taking a fairly good quality picture.... I do not have a GPS for my car. It is rare these days that I go to places that I don't already know where they are. If I am going far away I prefer to take the train. I can sleep then, and I don't have to worry about causing a thirty car pile-up.... You could go high-tech and still remain me-ian if you choose however. I am not high tech because I choose not to be. I am in my current tech range because of a lack of resources to change that situation. I am fascinated by gadgets and doodads. I just need the money I have to buy things like food, and the occasional upgrade in clothing. If you bought a fancy thing, like a phone that also acts as a mobile computer, camera, GPS, alarm clock, and taser, then I wish you the best. I would like one too. However, as long as you remember that almost everything is silly, and that taking it seriously can only lead to pain, then you can remain me-ian.

JP Garwood

2010-02-23

Dear JP,

OK, so it has always been pretty true that TV sucks, but I've gotta say that at no time in my life does it seem to have sucked as bad as it does now. I mean, come on, America's Favorite Dance Crew makes Gilligan's Island look like enriching art, right?

Signed,

Right? Am I Right?

2010-02-19

Agreed. Television is at its lowest point now. I don't know whether that is due to the rise of internet entertainment, such as this wonderful site, or due to the fact that the networks know that people will watch any damn thing. There are 50 million shows to watch, and maybe three of them are entertaining. Most of it is rehashed garbage that tries to keep up with trends. American Idol became hugely popular, I don't claim to understand why, but it did. With that popularity came a hundred knock-off shows. Now we have "So You Think You Can Dance", "America's Favorite Dance Crew", "America's Got Talent", and a slew of other shows that all have the same format. All of them are unwatchable. I am an American. I do not have a favorite dance crew. I can't even name a dance crew. Well, there was the Atomic Breaking Crew, which was a few kids I went to middle school with, but other than them I can't name one. I don't think they are still a crew. One of them owns a ski shop though. I use my television largely as something to hold up a plant. It is almost never on. I prefer it that way, because I think some of the shows on television are designed to suck intelligence out of you. I don't know what they do with the intelligence that they take from you, but it certainly doesn't go into creating new entertainment. Perhaps they are storing it up in case there is armageddon, and all the smart people happened to be in one tragic location. They could disperse the stored intelligence to those that remain. If that is the case than I hope the plan works. If that isn't the case, then I hope they bring back the time when television ended at midnight, and all there was to watch was test patterns.

JP Garwood

2010-02-23

Dear JP,

Tiger Woods' apology: heartfelt expression of regret or who gives a fuck where he sticks his dick?

Signed,

Comparison Man!!!

2010-02-19

Even if it was a heart felt apology, which it probably wasn't, I would still choose the latter. Nobody outside of his family cares what he did, they just want to see a celebrity fall from grace. We love that in our country. We impeached a president because of it. We all want to back our celebrities until they have a public embarrassment, then we want to see them writhe in agony. We think we care, but we don't. We just like the drama of it. It wouldn't matter if it was Tiger Woods, or Derek Jeter, or Hal Linden, or Miley Cyrus, or anyone else. We love when people fuck up, and then we like to judge them. Tiger Woods can do whatever he wants, outside of putting poison in my waffles, and I won't care at all. As soon as he wins another golf tournament, people won't give a shit what he did. By then maybe Leonardo DiCaprio will have a sex tape out, and we can hate someone else for a while.

JP Garwood

2010-02-22

Dear JP,

Exactly how much do you care about Tiger Woods?

Signed,

Roscoe

2010-02-19

On a scale of 1 to 10, which is the average scale used to judge things, I give my caring of Tiger Woods a negative 3. He is good at golf. Who the hell cares? Lots of people, I suppose. Why? I have no idea. His life never seemed like a point of interest to me. He is famous, yes. Does that mean that I have to care about everything he says and does? I didn't think so, but it seems like I might have been wrong. I have said it before, and I will restate it now, as long as Tiger Woods doesn't want to come to my house and kill me, I don't give a shit what he does. Do I feel bad for his wife? No, because I do not know her, and I am not empathetic enough to feel bad for her. Is he the only guy who cheats on his wife? I doubt it. Does everyone that cheats on his wife have to have a national press conference? No. I do not care at all about Tiger Woods. This is just one more thing that television says that I should care about, and I do not believe them. People aren't shocked because Tiger was always such a nice guy. He always came across as kind of an arrogant asshole. They are shocked because he is good at golf. What the hell kind of criteria is that to judge somebody on?

JP Garwood

2010-02-22

Dear JP,

Were you asked to be the answerer or was it a duty thrust upon you? Perhaps you could be a guest speaker at my kid's "vocation" week?

Signed,

One Fly Mutha

2010-02-16

Neither. I chose to be the answerer. One day I decided that I should let people in on the knowledge I have gained. It has been a hoot, I can tell you that. Hopefully, all the askers have become a little bit more enlightened from the answers they have received. The world is a better place. Actually the world is the same place, the people are better. Come to think of it the people seem to be worse than ever. Maybe something is wrong..... Maybe people aren't taking the answers seriously. That could be the problem. Maybe the answers aren't what I thought they were. No, that couldn't possibly be the case. It has to be everyone else's fault, not mine. That makes me feel better..... I would love to speak at your child's vocation week. My fee is twelve beers and an eggplant parm. I can give those kids a world of information. I can surely upstage any dentists or sporting goods salesmen. I could start with a few jokes, just little snippets of what life is like for an enlightener, then move on to the nuts and bolts of answering all of life's questions. Afterward there could be a question and answer session, which I will refuse to take part in because the questions are not typed, and I am eating my eggplant. Set it up, homeboy, and I will be there in a somewhat clean shirt.

JP Garwood

2010-02-22

Dear JP,

Which is worse, Congress or MTV?

Signed,

Ryan Longwell

2010-02-15

It is hard to tell. They both seem to be becoming the same thing. MTV airs nothing but show after show of mindless morons yelling at each other and getting into fights. Congress is proving that they are the same thing. Nobody is represented by their congressmen anymore. Congressmen are there to push the agenda of their party, and if that stands in the way of doing anything at all then so be it. MTV shows crap like people hanging out at the shore, or living in a house, or having birthday parties, and everyone is an asshole, and all they do is bitch and complain, and argue. Congress ought to think about getting their own show on MTV, and marry the two together. It seems like a natural fit.

JP Garwood

2010-02-22

Dear JP,

What's your favorite brand/type of donut?

Signed,

Kevin Smith

2010-02-15

I do not eat doughnuts very often. I go to the Dunkin' Donuts everyday, but I usually only get coffee. Sometimes, if the mood strikes, I get an orange juice. If I were to choose a doughnut, it wouldn't be any of the kinds that have a filling. I find them difficult to eat, what with the squirting cream or fruit fillings. I don't like to have to turn my food about to avoid it leaking on my Levi's. I also don't like the boring doughnuts, like your "plain", or powdered sugar, or cinnamon. I guess I would go with the chocolate glazed. That seems simple, yet delicious enough. My favorite flavor, for just about anything, is strawberry, yet they do not make strawberry doughnuts, as far as I know. They make what they call "strawberry frosted", but that really isn't strawberry, it is just pink. The jelly doughnuts have strawberry jelly, I think, but they fall into the too-messy-to-eat category. I will take the chocolate glazed, but not too often, and I will enjoy it, probably, unless it is laced with poison, which I am pretty sure they are not allowed to do.

JP Garwood

2010-02-18

Dear JP,

Can you give me some lovage?

Happy Valentine's Day JP!

Signed,

wonder woman

2010-02-14

I'd be glad to. However, given the amount of money I make for doing this, it isn't going to be like on television where I pop out a box with some sort of diamond jewelry in it. If I bought a diamond necklace, I would have to live in a hole in the ground for the next 200 years. I am not saying that holes in the ground aren't nice, some of them are quite roomy, but I enjoy things like ceilings. It makes it much easier to install ceiling fans when you have something to attach them to. My lovage is going to have to be the kind that everyone says is nice, but most people think is kind of cheap. I would have to make hand-drawn cards and things like that. Drawing is not my strong point, although I do draw a mean elephant. Not that the elephant itself is mean, I think he is rather neutral, but the drawing is pretty good. Happy Valentine's Day to you, and your hand-drawn elephant card is on the way.

JP Garwood

2010-02-18

Dear JP,

Aren't you confused about who the news belongs to? I always have it in my head that if your name's in the news, then the news should be paying you. Because it's your news and they're taking it and selling it as their product. If people didn't give the news their news, and if everybody kept their news to themselves, the news wouldn't have any news. Right?

Signed,

Andy Warhol

2010-02-12

I don't think that most people "give" the news to the news stations. I don't think a fire breaks out in Yonkers and somebody yells "get this to the news!". I think the news people find the news themselves. It is their job. That being said, much of what is on the news isn't news at all, it is filler. Many local news casts don't have enough material to fit the half-hour format, and so they put things that aren't terribly news worthy on the broadcast. The news doesn't pay people to make news, otherwise people would do all kinds of crazy shit just to see themselves on television, and to collect a check. Someone who is ten dollars short of purchasing a new air conditioner might climb out on a ledge to get on the news. Then they could just climb back in once the news is aired, collect the money, and have a nice, cool living room in the summer.

JP Garwood

2010-02-18

Dear JP,

Man, you probably ain't never even BEEN to Garwood, HAVE YOU?

Signed,

Charlie Fuckface

2010-02-10

Oh yeah I have. I have been there lots of times. I have attended several events at the Crossroads, which I know for a fact to be in Garwood. I have been to Rusty's Pizzeria a couple of times. I don't know if Rusty's is still there, and to be honest I don't care, but I have been there. I think I bowled at Garwood lanes once or twice as a kid, at birthday parties or something like that. I have acquired no more bowling skills since those days either. There used to be a bar in Garwood called Garfield's. I used to go there quite often until it started to suck. It got some sort of personality crisis, and was always changing its image. You could go in there one week and fifty guys would be watching a football game, and then the next week go in to find a dance floor and loud ass pop music. Maybe the next week the dance floor was filled with pool tables, which mysteriously vanished the week after that, and were replaced with a karaoke machine. I stopped going because I never knew what type of mood to be in when I got there. So, up yours, I have been to Garwood. Perhaps someday I will go there again. I heard that the Kings supermarket has some good deals sometimes.

JP Garwood

2010-02-11

Dear JP,

Would you have fucked Marylin Monroe, ya know, back in the day?

Signed,

Mr Del

2010-02-10

I would have liked to, but I don't know if she would have been into the age difference. She was 24 or 25, or more, and I had yet to exist. I was ten years in the negative at least. Plus, even if I did exist, I would have been very young, and not able to compete with the likes of Joltin' Joe DiMaggio or John F. Kennedy. It seems to me she lived her life like a candle in the wind, and I hadn't lived my life like anything yet.

JP Garwood

2010-02-11

Dear JP,

Does time change things, or do you actually have to change them yourself?

Signed,

Andy Warhol

2010-02-09

Both, depending on what you are talking about. Time does change some things. It can change the human body. Take a look at someone when they are six years old, then carefully attach a small tracking device to them. Follow their every movement for years, then take a look at them again when they are sixty years old. Time will have changed them considerably, and they didn't have to do it themselves. I don't know how many people would do it themselves if they had to. That being said, there are some things that time just can't change. Take your broken garage door opener for instance. That night you wanted to see if putting the remote control in the microwave would melt your garage door really did a number on the opener. The garage door was unaffected, but the opener is no longer worth a damn. You could wait years, but the garage door opener will not heal itself, not even with today's technology. This is something that is immune to time, broken is broken. This is something you will have to change yourself.

JP Garwood

2010-02-11