Dear JP,

Can you refresh my memory? Who the hell am I anyway?

Signed,

Lindsay Lohan

2010-07-30

I believe you were once America's sweetheart. I think you did a few little cute television shows and perhaps a movie or two. Then, like any other teenager who is handed millions of dollars, you began experimenting in the fine art of "partying". This, for some reason, seemed to shock the America that once loved you. They turned on you, and only wanted to see you sink down the deep hole of drugohol. They wanted to watch you careen off the sides of the hole and get battered and bruised along the way. Then when you hit the bottom, the place known as obscurity, they would forget you ever existed, and move on to the next little girl with a television show.

JP Garwood

2010-07-31

Dear JP,

Is it "youth in Asia" or "euthanasia"? I always confuse the two.

Signed,

One Fly Mutha

2010-07-30

It depends on if you are referring to a brain dead car accident victim, or a Japanese little league team.

JP Garwood

2010-07-31

Dear JP,

Is it wrong to ask a bearded cafeteria lady to wear a hairnet on her face?

Signed,

One Fly Mutha

2010-07-29

Yes it is. Unless you are the boss of said cafeteria lady, it is wrong to ask them to do anything. You are just supposed to slide your tray along, pick out your jello flavor, pay at the register, and go have your lunch. You are in no position to give orders. You wouldn't want to go to work one day to find a cafeteria lady at your desk telling you when to defragment your C-drive. Don't think for a second that she doesn't know when that should be done. She just knows it isn't her place to tell you what to do.

JP Garwood

2010-07-31

Dear JP,

Wouldn't it be cool of you could get your opening statement picture to take on all your aging and physical signs of transgressions and guilt and so on like Dorian Gray, and it would be like the Picture of JP Garwood only you wouldn't be able to hide it, everybody would be able to come to the site and watch you age and guess on what shady things you must be doing to make your face change in such a way, then one day the server gets hit by lightning BANG! and you suddenly age like twenty years in a minute, and everybody's all freaked out when they see you, wouldn't that be cool?

Signed,

Mark

2010-07-28

I don't know if cool is the word for it. I think a better term might be copyright infringement. With the current picture that is shown, you may still take a guess as to what shady things I might be doing. It might be fun, although I bet you could never guess. I will give you a hint. If you look closely at the picture, you will see in my pocket five Euros, a mix tape, and a jar of cranberry sauce.

JP Garwood

2010-07-31

Dear JP,

I"m thinking of getting a dog, for pleasure mostly, but maybe for hunting birds. What would be the best breeds for me to look at?

Signed,

Lydee Lydee Lydee Lye

2010-07-28

A popular trend nowadays is to cross-breed dogs into new breeds, and then give them stupid names. This is where the labradoodle comes from. The labradoodle is not considered a good hunting dog however, so eliminate that one from the list. My friend just got a Bostodoodle Terrier, which is a mix between a poodle and a Boston Terrier, but they are bred mostly for wine tasting, and hunting seems to be beneath them. You should take a look at the Golderman Repinshcer, a breed coming from the Golden Retriever and the Doberman Pinschcer. It is an excellent hunting dog, plus it is goofy enough just to pal around with. It is the type of dog you can kill birds with, and then go have a beer, or perhaps a raw hot dog. At the moment they are not that easy to find. You may have to contact a breeder in far off place, like California. Unless you live in a place close to California, in which case you will have to contact one in New Hampshire.

JP Garwood

2010-07-31

Dear JP,

So which war criminal would you appear in a concert with?

Signed,

Roscoe

2010-07-28

I think I would like to go onstage and perform "That's Amore" with Benito Mussolini. However, Benny is dead, and his contract stipulates that after death he can turn down all personal appearances. Is Phil Lesh a war criminal? I thought I heard rumors about him being linked to genocide, but maybe it was insecticide, I don't remember. Either way, I don't have much desire to do a concert with him. I don't think I know any living war criminals with enough talent to try to work out an act. I think once Saddam Hussein died, and his scat singing died with him, the talent pool ran out.

JP Garwood

2010-07-31

Dear JP,

Obama seems like a Clamato juice kind of guy. Don't you think?

Signed,

One Fly Mutha

2010-07-28

I don't think so. He seems like a light beer kind of guy. He seems like a chocolate milk kind of guy. He may even enjoy grapefruit juice. However, I don't see him having a glass of Clamato. I tried, but I can't picture anyone having a glass of Clamato.

JP Garwood

2010-07-31

Dear JP,

Aretha Franklin did a concert with Condoleeza Rice. No, that's for real, one of the great singers of all time shared the stage with one of the great American war criminals. Is this one of those signs of the Apocalypse, or is it just that Aretha Franklin just doesn't give a fuck who she works with as long as someone's paying?

Signed,

Roscoe

2010-07-28

It is the latter. It would have only been a sign of the apocalypse if they had been joined on stage by the Village People for a rendition of "YMCA". Although I heard there were several cops and one biker in attendance, no Indian chief was spotted. You can rest easy, as there have been no further steps taken as of late to hasten the apocalypse. There has been nothing new on that front since Paul Simon announced he is no longer ever going to consider playing with Art Garfunkel, and has instead announced that he will form a duo with Donald Rumsfeld.

JP Garwood

2010-07-31

Dear JP,

Of the many types of classic men's hats, which is your favorite? The derby, the stovepipe, the sombrero, or perhaps the sherlock holmes??

Signed,

pj doo-rag

2010-07-27

I believe I have answered this question before. I like all kinds of hats, but my favorite has to be either the tri-corner, or the porkpie. They have the best names, so they have to be the best hats. Just like Seamus and Andre are the best male names, so they have to be the best males.

JP Garwood

2010-07-27

Dear JP,

I have a gazillion dollar idea: Diet Water. Great, huh? All the no taste of regular water, but with absolutely none of the no calories!

Signed,

Mark

2010-07-26

That is a good idea, and people would buy it. Stupid people, yes, but what do you care where the money is coming from. Stupid people can be tricked into just about anything, which is why advertising people have jobs. They just have to be able to come up with the next trick to fool stupid people. I was driving on the New Jersey Turnpike the other day, and saw a billboard for a "new, discreet way to carry a condom". I think it was some sort of little black carrying case. As if before people were awkwardly walking around with a box of condoms held in two hands in front of them, or wearing one on each finger. We don't need a "new" way to carry condoms, but people will buy this product thinking they are now being more discreet then ever. People buy "extra absorbent" towels. I don't have one, and I appear to be just as dry as everyone I encounter during the day. People buy soap with shea butter. No one knows what shea butter is, but they see the label of the soap, and figure it has to be something good for them. Stupid people are the only real advertising target, as they are the only ones that can be swayed by advertising. Budweiser has put the word "drinkability" on their labels for years. It is a non-toxic liquid, of course it has "drinkability". However, someone somewhere buys it figuring it is more drinkable than other beers. I would like to invest in your diet water product. You can count on me for up to $10, perhaps $15 if I don't get a bagel with my coffee tomorrow.

JP Garwood

2010-07-27

Dear JP,

Should a giant spider really be a character in a porno?

Signed,

wonder woman

2010-07-25

It all depends on how the giant spider is used. If there is a lesbian scene on a pool table, and then the giant spider comes out and kills one of them mid-performance, than that is stupid, and shouldn't be used. However, what if the bed during a scene is shaped like a giant spider, and the male and female performers were dressed as Spider-Man and Spider-Girl? There might be some merit to that. Suppose during the climactic moment webs shot out of the bed from all sides like fireworks. That would be a good ending, and one the watcher, if he had made it to that point, would not be expecting. There is room in pornography for just about anything if it is used correctly.

JP Garwood

2010-07-27

Dear JP,

What does fat raleigh stand for?

Signed,

Maloney

2010-07-24

The pledge of allegiance. Although you wouldn't know it by looking at them, they are two wholesome American boys. Much like the Hardy Boys, but Fat Raleigh couldn't solve a mystery if it came with instructions.

JP Garwood

2010-07-24

Dear JP,

Twenty-five oh six two what?

Signed,

Uncle Sloppy

2010-07-23

Twenty-five OR six to thirty-one. They are the same thing.

JP Garwood

2010-07-24

Dear JP,

Shit, here we go to all the trouble of carefully editing a tape of some black chick nobody's ever heard of so it sounds like she's saying all this racist shit only to have the black chick get all uppity about it! Just goes to show how unfit these niggers are for positions of responsility, rite?

Signed,

Tea Party Bob

2010-07-23

Wrong again, asshole. It makes it sound like what it is. A party full of people who will ruin lives just to make a political advancement. The actual racism falls on you. The fact that you are recognized as a legitimate political party speaks volumes about the sad state of our stupid society. There is an entire party with the collective intelligence of a bicycle seat, who can only make a point by making shit up, and they are considered a force to be reckoned with. It only reinforces the point that the only real truth to life anymore is television.

JP Garwood

2010-07-24

Dear JP,

Do you ever find yourself without a convenient euphemism when trying to discuss some kind of personal or intimate matter? Are there some JP Garwoodian euphemisms for personal or intimate matters you can share with us so we can all be more like you?

Signed,

Roscoe

2010-07-23

I don't use euphemisms like "drain the lizard" or "spank the monkey". They are crude, and come to think of it rather cruel. Who would do that to a lizard? Instead when the need to announce my desire to urinate arises, I use the phrase "I am going to set free my liquids of the day". It sounds heroic and noble. I bet Abe Lincoln said something similar to that when he stood up in a cabinet meeting and needed to relieve himself. I do like the expression "technicolor yawn" when referring to vomit. It makes it sound exciting and artistic rather than retched and horrifying. I do not refer to the bathroom as "the john" or "the head", I say either "bathroom", or "personal defecation chamber". The latter I only use at formal settings, like cub scout meetings. I am not asking you to use my phrases. I think you should come up with some of your own. It makes the whole experience more personal, and, yes, a little more fun.

JP Garwood

2010-07-24

Dear JP,

What is your favorite folk tale?

Signed,

One Fly Mutha

2010-07-23

I think it is Johnny Appleseed. I just like the idea that one guy walked all over the nation planting apple trees. Of course, they didn't take in some places, which is why you don't get your apples from Florida. I just picture a guy in a funny hat, with an enormous satchel of apple seeds at his side, planting all over the place. It is a good story. I also like the lesser known stories about Howard Grapefruitseed and Constantine Italianice.

JP Garwood

2010-07-24

Dear JP,

Do you ever get "stage fright" when using a public urinal? How do you move things along? Do you use an understudy?

Signed,

One Fly Mutha

2010-07-22

Occasionally I will find it hard to get the ball rolling at a public urinal. This is why I generally avoid them. I don't know what causes the problem. It may be the fact that when I urinate at home there aren't eight other guys in the bathroom at the same time, and I have just developed the habit of peeing in privacy. I usually "move things along" by pretending that I haven't peed in ages, and that it is going to be an exceptionally long pee. I will stand there at the urinal pretending to pee until all others have finished and left. Then in that one brief moment when I am alone, or there is only one guy in there and he is using the hand dryer, I start to go. Once it is started there is no problem. Twelve guys could come in and start providing color commentary on my urination and it wouldn't matter. It is just the initial breaking of the seal that is the problem.

JP Garwood

2010-07-24

Dear JP,

YOU STUPID FUCKING CUNTS!! I never said Braveheart was the most homophobic movie ever!! I said it was the most homophobic movie ever to win Best Picture!! You STUPID CUNTS! I need somebody to answer my question! I need real answers!! You just need to fucking ANSWER MY QUESTIONS, GOT IT??

Signed,

Mel Gibson

2010-07-22

Yes, I got it. Sorry for the misunderstanding. From now on your answers will be real and not imaginary.

JP Garwood

2010-07-24

Dear JP,

So, are we all in agreement that Mike Gordon is a pedophile?

Signed,

Mac Auly Kul Kin

2010-07-21

I don't think I agreed to that. I don't think I ever mentioned it. Things like this take some sort of evidence. You can't just get a few people to agree to something like that to make it true. What if I got together with some of my friends and just came to an agreement that you were a squid? That would not make you a squid. It would just make you a person that a few people decided to call a squid. I have no evidence that Mike Gordon is what you say he is. Until some is presented I am going to assume he is not. However, I will agree that Stevie Wonder is looking a little fat lately.

JP Garwood

2010-07-24

Dear JP,

I know that I should keep up with current events, and all, but I keep finding that whenever I turn on the news or read the newspaper I get so upset by the rampant stupidity, bigotry, criminality and just general SHITness of the people in charge running things that my blood pressure goes way the fuck up and I want to go grab a machine gun and start taking a few of these fuckers out, but then of course it never happens because I'm a gutless loser, like all of us. So how can I get to be one of these pieces of walking human excrement that run things into the ground and make limitless amounts of money doing EVIL and still get a good night's sleep so that I can, you know, get a good night's sleep?

Signed,

Roscoe

2010-07-21

I wish I knew. I sometimes wish I could be an asshole that makes his money doing nothing beneficial to society, and then comes home to his beautiful house and family, takes a dip in the pool, has dinner and goes to bed. However, I am not one of those people. I come home, splash water on my face from the sink, have a sandwich, and go to bed. Sometimes I skip the part about the sandwich. There are people out there who sleep well after helping to hasten mankind's demise. There are people out there getting rich off of our wars, off of the oil spill, off of bad-mouthing others, off of doing all kinds of evil shit. Then there are those who try to be good. People who try to be nice. People who just think all the crazy stuff is getting to be too much. Those people are in the minority, and are reminded of it every waking second. I wish I could tell you how to be more of a money-grubbing ass-wipe, but I can't. If you figure it out, let me know. Until then, can I borrow some mustard?

JP Garwood

2010-07-24

Dear JP,

I am going to a picnic and plan on bringing pasta salad. In order to really add some "BAM", I'm thinking of putting sprinkles (a.k.a. Jimmies) on top. What color Jimmies will leave the best impression on people?

Signed,

One Fly Mutha

2010-07-21

Definitely the rainbow sprinkles. The brown ones just leave a stain on people, and that stain is hard to get off even if you have a high quality soap. The all red ones, or the all green ones are too holiday specific for this job. It isn't Christmas, it is just some silly picnic where later grown men will play softball and pretend they are Alex Rodriguez until one of them gets hurt. Well, pretend they are Alex Rodriguez if Alex Rodriguez played with a beer just off into foul territory, and took breaks for clams on the half shell every twenty minutes..... Use the rainbow sprinkles. There aren't many brown ones in that mix, and the lighter colors are much easier to wash off once they have made their impression. Plus, they look festive and happy, which at some picnics is the best you can hope for, the appearance of festiveness.

JP Garwood

2010-07-24

Dear JP,

Why are racial tensions rising even faster now that I was elected? I mean, I am half black and half white... my skin is about the same color as mexicans, so everyone should be inspired by my biology. Come on people, I am united... my cells get it, except for that nasty white wart on my scrotum and that horrible black tumor in my lung.

Signed,

Barry O' Bama, "da saviour"

2010-07-20

I don't think racial tensions are rising faster now. I think that the slightest little thing is blown way out of proportion by the media. A lot of things are taken out of context just to use as political propaganda weapons by one party or the other. Of course, there are still some really racist people out there. The tea party has been accused of racism, and they have done very little in the way of denying it. I think there have always been racial tensions in this country, it is one of the things we were founded upon. I don't think the rate has increased at all, it is just on television more.

JP Garwood

2010-07-24

Dear JP,

I wanted to ask a question about what type of practical jokes you can play with the little blue pill, but when I tried, I recieved a foul message soliciting sex from robots. What's up with that? I mean, sometimes people have a question about those little blue pills.

Signed,

One Fly Mutha

2010-07-20

I don't think our little problem with robots is ever going to go away completely. Robots, having no emotions, cannot understand what it is to be annoyed, or to be annoying. They will just keep doing what they are programmed to do until they fall apart, which could take hundreds of years. The robots we have are especially horny little devils, as that is what was programmed into them. They are going to keep pushing their viagra, and herbal enhancement supplements for a long time. We have done our best to keep them out of here, but every once in a while they will pop-up, so to speak.

JP Garwood

2010-07-24

Dear JP,

Do you really think all those crop circles were made by 2 old men with a rope and a 2x4?

Signed,

One Fly Mutha

2010-07-20

It looks as if they were. I bet those stupid aliens wish they had thought of that.

JP Garwood

2010-07-24

Dear JP,

How do you stay cool?

Signed,

wonder woman

2010-07-19

I don't let little things bother me, like sparrows and those tiny phillips head screwdrivers. I let it all roll off my back. In fact, I had a special operation to curve my back like the drop of a log flume just so things can roll off a little easier. It may cause me a great deal of pain, but that is no big deal, I can handle it. I also have a real bad-ass Justin Timberlake hat, and I have been practicing my James Earl Jones impression. I also like to have a nice lemonade or iced tea. I flavor my lemonade with lemons, which I also use to flavor my iced tea, although they don't taste similar at all.

JP Garwood

2010-07-24

Dear JP,

I'm new here. Is this where I type the question in?

Signed,

I'm new here.

2010-07-18

Why yes it is, and this is where I type the answer. Above and below you are where other people type their questions in. The envelope you will receive in three days time will be where you put the $5000 that you will mail back to me at your earliest convenience.

JP Garwood

2010-07-21

Dear JP,

Have you ever fed on the screams of the mutant you've created?

Signed,

Uncle Sloppy

2010-07-16

No. My mutant uses diet screams, and they just don't taste right. I like my screams to be regular. Sure there are calories to contend with, but I don't want to sacrifice taste.

JP Garwood

2010-07-21

Dear JP,

What is homophobia? Is it like arachnophobia, except that you're deathly afraid of homos instead of arachnids? Also, do you think that Braveheart was "the most homophobic movie ever?"

Signed,

Danny Glover

2010-07-16

Yes, that is exactly what homophobia is. Phobias are, of course, irrational fears. There is no reason to fear spiders. As long as they aren't in your pajama leg they are relatively harmless to you. In fact they are kind of beneficial. Imagine how many flies and mosquitoes there would be without spiders. Homophobia is the same way. It is an irrational fear of homosexuals. Homophobes are afraid that homosexuals may want to kiss and hug them. They probably don't want to, but that is the fear. They are usually a little afraid that they themselves may be homosexual, and therefore fear any contact with members of their own gender. Opting for a slick high-five instead of a hug or handshake. Homophobes are likely to call inanimate objects "gay". For instance you may go to a restaurant and see that they have folded pink napkins on the table. A homophobe may say something like "that is gay", or this place is "gay". In actuality napkins and eating establishments cannot be gay. There is no gender to a napkin or a building. It is just as silly as trying to set your napkin up with a pretty napkin from another table...... I do not think Braveheart was the most homophobic film of all time, but I will watch it again to see if I can figure out why someone might think that. Perhaps it is the kilts. Perhaps it is all the head bashing. I don't know, but I will get back to you on this.

JP Garwood

2010-07-21

Dear JP,

Do you believe that the human mind is finite and contained within the grey matter of your melon? How does it comprehend concepts such as infinity, eternity, forever?

Signed,

One Fly Mutha

2010-07-16

I don't really know what I believe on this subject. I have never really seen anything to make me believe that the human mind is part of a greater consciousness. It is nice to think that though. It is nice to think that our mind is infinite and leaves our body to join bowling leagues and social mixers. However, our concept of self, our concept of our own mind, or concept of everything may just die with us, and if that is the case, so be it. If there is no me to think about me, then I wouldn't know about it anyway. Either way I guess there isn't much to worry about.

JP Garwood

2010-07-21

Dear JP,

I'm thinking about breaking-up with Israel. Do you think I can do it via text message? or is that a douchbag move?

Signed,

Barry O' Bama, "da saviour"

2010-07-15

That is pretty douchy. You should do it face to face like a man. Your face to Israel's face. Let Israel down gently. She has put in a lot of time with us, and deserves a respectful break-up. Give Israel back all the things she gave us over the years. There must be something. Tell Israel when it has the time to give us back our stuff too. Don't expect to ever see our stuff again though, in reality. She will probably just keep it, and sell it at a garage sale. Make sure this is really what you want to do, as if you change your mind later Israel may not take us back. Israel just may run into the arms of another country. I have seen the way Italy looks at her.

JP Garwood

2010-07-21

Dear JP,

You gotta admit, Mel Gibson does a have a point. He certainly does deserve a blow job before getting into the jacuzzi, doesn't he? Shit, he directed Braveheart. Braveheart! That was a pretty good movie. Give the fuckin guy a blow job before getting into his jacuzzi, for Christ's sake.

Signed,

Ulysses S. Douchebag

2010-07-14

I now have two things I will not do with Mel Gibson. The first is that I am definitely not getting into his jacuzzi, and the other is doing anything with him for Christ's sake.

JP Garwood

2010-07-21

Dear JP,

Hey, Vegetarian, don't you ever miss fried chicken? How about shrimp? How about a nice steak? A nice one. How about a cheeseburger? Come on, you do, don't you?

Signed,

C-3PO

2010-07-14

Fried chicken? No. Shrimp? No. A steak, nice or unruly? Neither. A cheeseburger? Nope. Not a bit. There isn't much I miss at all about eating meat. I am not one of those vegetarians who tell others what they should and should not eat, which is why I get a kick out of people who do eat meat telling me that I should. Why should I? Why does anybody care? I also get a kick out of people who see me eating a veggie burger, and they say "ew" when they find out that it is made of soy rather than meat. Someone who is chewing on the dead flesh of an animal finds me eating soy to be disgusting. I am not saying "ew" at their meal. I don't want to eat what they are eating, so I don't. Yet many people try to tell me that man should eat meat, and therefore I should be eating it. I am not going to, so everyone can just stop trying to get me to. I will eat anything I goddamn please, including a brick if I get the desire. Perhaps a fine brick salad sandwich with extra celery.

JP Garwood

2010-07-21

Dear JP,

I make the most homophobic movie ever to win Best Picture, I make a snuff film about Jesus, I blame the Jews for all the wars in the world, but I tell my ex-girlfriend she's gonna get raped by niggers and suddenly I'm a shithead. Do niggers cause all the wars in the world?

Signed,

Mel Gibson

2010-07-14

No they do not. In fact, I don't think that they caused any. The civil war was the white people's fault. Black people didn't get a say. There are probably some wars in Africa caused by black people, but that can't be helped as there are no white people in some of those countries. If there were, there would probably be a lot more wars. Come to think of it, I guess Africa is part of the world. Even though there is some question as to whether or not they know if it is Christmastime at all. So, black people do cause some wars, just not the really famous ones.

JP Garwood

2010-07-20

Dear JP,

screw + ball = ???

Signed,

One Fly Mutha

2010-07-14

Popped ball.

JP Garwood

2010-07-20

Dear JP,

I agree that Mel Gibson is a drunken nutbag, but is it really necessary to call him a drunken Catholic nutbag? I don't think that the majority of Catholics use the terms wetbacks or n!ggers, or even if they do, it's not something that's endorsed by the church.

Signed,

Father Don, lover of all minorities, Wetbacks and Niggers alike

2010-07-13

I agree that not everyone would deserve to have Catholic inserted into their nutbag description, but in Mel's case I think it is a contributing factor. Remember when he said he loved his wife but thought she was going to hell for not being Catholic? That is crazy shit. Then he divorced his wife, which a true Catholic can not do. That is the best part about Catholics, they pick and choose which laws are really sacred. If one becomes inconvenient, screw it, break the law and then confess it later. Anyway, I do not know Mel Gibson. I don't wish to know him either. However, I think that religion plays a part in his craziness.

JP Garwood

2010-07-20

Dear JP,

I like the old englisf fpelling rulef... it feems more claffy to me. Can you have a trial period where you anfwer all the queftions in thif fafhion? or if thif too filly for your queftion afkerf?

Signed,

One Fly Mutha

2010-07-13

I'm not sure that it is the silliness that is going to make me say no. I think it is the fact that what you are typing doesn't seem to be as much old English as it is just current English with a speech impediment. I think I am going to take a paff on the trial period. Keep coming up with ideas though. One of them is bound to be good eventually.

JP Garwood

2010-07-20

Dear JP,

Considering all the hubub about the problems at the mexico border, most people are seeing lemons, but I am seeing lemonade (or limonada). I think there is an opportunity for enterprising individuals to capitalize on the open border. Can you give me a few hints for becoming a mexican druglord? I think I can pull it off during my spare time and on weekends. It should help supplement my retirement funds.

Signed,

One Fly Mutha

2010-07-13

I think the most important aspect to being a Mexican drug lord is to be Mexican. Not that there aren't some fine drug lords in Sweden, its just that they cannot be Mexican drug lords. If you aren't Mexican, you do not qualify for being a Mexican drug lord. The second tip I would give you is to be ruthless. A ruthful drug lord is an unsuccessful drug lord. Look it up in the handbook, I will give you time....... See? You have to be ruthless, and, oh, cutthroat. I suppose if you are ruthless you are already cutthroat by default, but maybe not, I don't really know as I am neither. It also helps to have an enormous amount of drugs on hand to disperse into America. Not silly drugs, like modeling glue or percocet, but actual drugs that good Americans buy, like marijuana and cocaine. You could dabble in modeling glue, but that isn't where your money is going to come from unless you are dealing with teenagers who stay home a lot. You are going to need a group of people to work for you. They will be known as your "cartel". You don't get to change that name either, that is part of the game's rules. You can't call them your gang or anything like that. They have to be a cartel, as French as that may sound. Make sure the members of your cartel have a huge amount of loyalty, otherwise you will end up in several places in Texas, and someone else will gain your title. Good luck with the lemonade my friend.

JP Garwood

2010-07-20

Dear JP,

Who's to say?

Signed,

Husikarionumakalakadaliwannaballa

2010-07-13

Well, besides Lou Dobbs? Just about anyone I suppose. Anyone that can talk that is. Sure, some people who cannot talk know sign language, but are they really saying anything? I think not. They are conveying a point to be sure, but they are doing it without saying anything. The same way we know that Eddie Van Halen is really "feeling it" during a solo. He makes those sex faces and gets his body all contorted. He is conveying a message without saying anything. However, when it comes to who is to say, he isn't saying a thing, unless he is talking, then he is. I guess Eddie Van Halen is to say, and he also isn't to say. You know who also gets no say? Dead people. Their opinions are invalid once they have left the world of the living. I would still like to give George Carlin or Kurt Vonnegut a say, but rules are rules. If you can't hear them, then they don't get to join the discussion.

JP Garwood

2010-07-20

Dear JP,

Who do you think will be the 1st female president? (please not Sarah Palin)

Signed,

Hillary X.

2010-07-12

I am, believe it or not, kind of hoping that Sarah Palin is not the first female president either. Oh, I know that when you think of me you think tea party conservative, but really the opposite is true...... Hillary Clinton may get the job, eventually, but that really depends upon Obama's performance as president. If he tanks it, the Republicans will win, and Hillary stands no shot against anyone. Then there is Nancy Pelosi and, nope, she isn't going to get it. I think that barring Hillary Clinton, the first female president will most likely be either Oprah Winfrey or Whoopi Goldberg.

JP Garwood

2010-07-19

Dear JP,

You on facebook?

Signed,

Roscoe

2010-07-12

I was once, but no longer. I had an account, and within three days had heard from at least five people that I had no desire to talk to. I don't want to be the "friend" of someone I talked to three times in four years of high school. I don't want to view his half-assed drawings of dragons and wizards. I don't even want to see someone's full-assed drawings of dragons and wizards. I don't want to know about anyone's divorce, especially if I never knew or cared that they were married in the first place. I don't want any jokes like "Do you have a pen?" from someone I used to borrow pens from twenty years ago. That isn't funny. I am not on facebook, myspace, spacebook, or facemy, and I have no plans for doing so.

JP Garwood

2010-07-19